Wednesday, December 31, 2008


2008 has been quite the interesting experience.

I started work at a new office. Granted that I started in December, but still new in the new year. Left the old office and colleagues for something new. I did not even know if I could do it, or if I could be accepted... or if I could accept the new colleagues...

Turns out I can do it, I was accepted and I can accept my new colleagues. Some of them are close to me now. Perks of being in media? The free food. Heheheh. Also, found a lot of them likes to enjoy themselves, going out for food or bowling or movies or karaoke.

Also, got to write/edit/produce again, just as I did when I was a student, working on the campus newspaper. I am loving it.

Family-wise, things are getting better with my mom. It's not any worse either. Let's just leave it at that. My dad's jumped on my mom's bandwagon but he doesn't make as much noise as my mom so I can deal.

Love life? Non-existent. Did attempt to forge something in 2008. Both attempts failed miserably. But I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in this world. Also kinda found out that I am not boyfriend material. I think it has something to do with me being such a nice guy. Nice guys are the ones you complain to about your bad-ass boyfriend. That is exactly what's been happening to me.

Sometimes I think it's a good thing coz I get to spend the good times with them and then they go back to whatever existence they had with the lover. Unfortunately, it gets lonely sometimes and I latch on to the wrong people for companionship.

Sigh. We'll see what this new year will bring. Or maybe this is my role in this world. The perpetual best friend. The one you turn to for comfort when your relationship sours but never the one you want. Sigh.

I'll just have to ride this wave out. It's quite fun being on top of the wave overlooking everything. :)

Oh, almost forgot to mention that I have gained some confidence this year. Thanks to the quiet reassurance of my friends. Yes, yes, I am quite pathetic and have no self confidence and enjoy being a wallflower. Still don't but now I don't give a rat's ass. Or try not to give a rat's ass.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


There's a seminar thingy this weekend that I have been recruited to help out. At first, I was told I'd only be providing the copy for the brochure and/or printed materials. But I found myself helping out in ways that I was not supposed to. I am helping out to help my new boss.

Things are not properly planned and everything seems to be busted at the seams. I am quite worried about it. A colleague was put in charge and he is inept. I tried to help in any way that I can but that damned colleague is slowing everything down.

Stupid shit.

He is so drunk with power. Ordinarily, he'd be the punching bag but now that he's been given the responsibility to lead, he took it as a chance to bully others. Especially the three part-time girls.

He ain't manager material. He's a good worker but he can't lead. Has no vision for the future and no contingencies.

I hope everything will fall into place. I've done everything I could to help.

Speaking of seminars, I've been working non-stop for almost 3 weeks now. 7-day work weeks. I am so tired. It's like a cycle. It's been a while since I do 7-day work weeks. Apparently, I am needed but I am not really needed.

But coz the project manager is so inept, me and this other guy had to step up and help. Sigh.

Will take a long leave after the seminar is over. By the way, the first week of December marked my one year with the company. I am so proud. I never thought I'd last that long. Mostly coz of the crazy psycho bitch of a boss. Now that she's gone, everything's getting good.

Also, I've been changing companies many times this past few years. Never been in a company more than 6 months... :)

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Two To Go

Things at work are looking up.

My evil boss is being shipped off somewhere else. My difficult colleague's also getting the boot. Or something close to the boot. I hope it's the boot.

I dun mind the constantly not coming in and the constantly coming in late and leaving early. But I do mind when he doesn't do his job. Coz then my job would be on the line too. Lucky for me the bosses all know this fact.

Hopefully the new guy will be more cooperative and full of ideas and not lazy.

Friday, November 21, 2008


Was with the family from Sunday to Monday night. Twas okay I guess. My mom did not nag me and spent quality time with my siblings and niece and nephew.

Went to the movies with them for Madagascar 2. Did not really like it. Come to think of it, the first one hardly impressed me.

Anyways, the next day, went to the mall with the kids and watched High School Musical 3. The niece wanted to see it.

My brother told me my father was saying that he felt left out coz I never talk to him. Sigh. Not only to I have to contend with my mother, now I have my father to deal with.

He's always been the hands-off dad. Never asking, never anything. Both my sister and brother laugh it off but I feel a bit guilty. I do know I haven't spend any time with my dad but it's not like he's that accessible.

Sigh. Anyways, I had my colleagues over at my mom's restaurant and he joined us for lunch. I introduced everyone and told him their jobs. His response? "She's a DJ? At what radio?"

When I told him she's a DJ at my radio, he was blank-faced. Like he had no idea I had been working there for almost a year. Sigh...

Anyways, now I am back in KL and away from the family drama. Not that I wanna be away that much but I can deal with them one drama at a time.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Seeing Red

I am going out of town this weekend. Yup, the workaholic's finally threw the towel in and decided to have fun.

Going on a treasure that would take me to Awana Kijal in Terengganu. I had someone cover my weekend shifts, although it was a hard decision to make since I am basically giving up money but what the hell...

Originally, I wanted to bring my colleagues to my mom's restaurant for lunch on Sunday and then head back to KL. So I thought I oughta take Monday off to stay back with my family while the rest of them go back to KL. I won't be able to go back for Raya Haji anyways.

I called my family and they said my nephew was hospitalized coz there's a virus in his blood. So it was quite the coincidence that I wanted to go home then. Hmm, fate? *shrugs*

Virus in the blood... freaky to think about... I had planned to take them out for Madagascar 2 but since one of em is hospitalized, I guess I'll be spending my time back home in the hospital...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


It was my mom's birthday on Monday (20th). I remembered. Am not that bad a son. After I was done with my daily work load, I gave her a call.

She asked why I was not at my hometown celebrating her birthday. Um, hello? Working...

Then she asked if I would go back to attend a cousin's wedding, on Deepavali. Which is a public holiday. But I am working that Sunday. If I were to go back, I'd have to take the night bus and arrive on Deepavali morning. Then rush back to KL later that afternoon or evening.

I ain't doing that.

When I told her I was working, she snapped back. "You go ahead and do that. Work, work and work. That's all you do."

I held back from saying anything. Of course I was pissed. Not like she doesn't know I have a lot of bills to pay. Sigh.

Just when I thought things are getting better between me and her...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Normal Again

I knew it. The whole marriage thing came up again. It’s like there’s nothing else to talk about.

The icing on the ‘cake’ was that this time, my brother was the one who was asking. Right in front of my mom. My mom then hopped on that bandwagon and I was attacked from two sides. Luckily, I hail from a long line of Malay warriors so I dodged my mom’s swipe and I was able to kick my brother in the gonads.

My brother was asking me when I was planning to marry and then boldly declaring he’d never marry until I get married. So my mom joined in and asked me when.

Told them I’d be financially stable in five years time.

My mom balked at that statement. In five years time, I’d be 3… 25… 28… okay, okay, 35. So, if I ever were to have kids, I’d rot first or die first before my kids would graduate high school. Then she went on and on about something or rather and I just lost it.

I told both of them off.

My brother did not really care about the whole marriage thing coz he is a commitment-phobe ass. I asked him back whether he was just using me to avoid getting married and he cracked. Right in front of my mother. Hah! Take that!

Then I whirled on my mother. Telling her off. In the nicest way possible of course. She knows about my financials, that I have little or virtually no savings and that I dun have property of any kind yet and I am still knee deep in debt from both credit cards and student loans.

Hah! Take that!

Unfortunately, she too hail from a long line of warrior people, so she tried to get in a sideswipe attack and told me I oughta find me a rich lady to marry.

That does it! No more kid gloves!

A few years back, before I got a job in KL and just after I came back from America, one woman came to see my mom asking for me, wanting me for her daughter.

This daughter was a few years older than me but she was rich like hell. Has shoplots in Kuantan, and some properties in KL. Lives in a bungalow alone and has a couple of expensive rides. She’s practically an empire.

My mom turned her down because she was older. WTF right? Now she’s saying I should fine an older woman. That lady was practically begging my mom to let us marry. I suspect she’s a big lesbo, that is why she’s not married yet, which would then be very good for both me and her since we could still have our own partners but will be wedded to satisfy our families and society. Sigh.

So now my mom says she will try to find me a rich woman to marry. Yeah, good luck with that. There’s the whole ‘I am allergic to womanly parts’ thing that she dunno about…

Why is there pressure to get married and spawn offsprings? It’s not like those kids are gonna take care of us when we get older. I don’t believe those kids will take care of the parents. Times a’changin’. Sigh…

Friday, September 26, 2008

Hell's Bells

Last year, I stayed in KL for Raya because my family went to three separate places for Raya. Rather than choosing a side, I chose me.

This year, the whole family will be at my grandma’s in Kuala Lipis, so I will join them there as well. Got the whole week off but I would only travel Tuesday afternoon. Yes, I am not really keen on going back home to see the whole family. My own family I can deal.

I may sound insensitive or something but it’s really boring over there. No DVD, no internet, no privacy. Sharing two bathrooms between 40 people is not something I really wanna do. The sleeping arrangement’s bad also. We are all strewn about the living room, sleeping on the floor.

One thing kinda good about that is that all the boys sleep that way. And some of my cousins are kinda hot. Hheheheh.

I just wanna arrive right before the eve of the festivities and then leave fairly quickly. There’s nothing and no one to do there. I don’t have the patience to go fishing. I might be into going hunting though. Yup, my uncle goes hunting and has a semi-automatic rifle. I’ve used the gun before and I proved to be the most adept amongst the guys.

Hmm, come to think of I was also adept at fishing… well, what passes as fishing anyways… my brother and father are the fishing enthusiasts. But I caught a fish that was apparently huge and a big deal. My brother said that he had been fishing for five years and had yet to catch one and I caught a huge one on my first time out. Beginner’s luck methinks.

Anyways, I was so bored there that I sometimes volunteer to go into the kitchen and help out. Okay, okay, I love cooking but none of them needs to know that. Sigh.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir Batin to everyone! :)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

As You Were

Told you guys I went back to see mi familia during the merdeka weekend right? Took the kids out for a movie and a bit of shopping for Raya clothes. Yes, yes, I haven’t been back in a while and I am making it up with the shopping spree.

I booked the movie in advanced from KL. Wow, the wonders of the Internet eh? I even got to cut cue and went straight to the reservation window. My niece thought I was cheating and I got some nasty looks from the patrons but I was in the right. Apparently people in Kuantan don’t use the Internet to book movie tickets.

Speaking of my niece, she’s all grown up. At 12. I did not know this but she’s had her period already! Daymn. I can see physical changes like her boobs are getting bigger but I did not know about the period thing and that she has arm pit hair! I was helping her into a nice dress that I thought would look good on her for Raya and I asked her to raise her arms. She did not want to coz she told me she has hair there. Shocker.

Yes, yes, I haven’t been back to visit for the longest time. I think I haven’t visited once this year. I missed a lot.

Regarding that cliffnotes version of a post that I made previously… number 4 where it says I am seeing someone… scratch that… back to the drawing board… sometimes I feel like I am not made to be with someone. Apparently everything’s designed in pairs right? Soulmates and what not? I think in the whole grand design of things, I got left out. Maybe I was just a lump of clay that was left over from creating everything else but only enough for one entity so I am all alone…

Of course, a post is never complete without #1 Crush news… no change since the last post. Both of us kept quiet and haven’t contacted each other. My guess? He is busy. I saw him online a couple of times but he never said hi or anything. I tried this thing where I made myself appear offline for a couple of days and then made myself appear online. Did not work. He still did not say hi. Oh well.

He did send me an SMS like earlier in the week though. Of course I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, that was it. There’s not much else left in our relationship. He had told me that it was too expensive to go out with me. It’s not that I am expensive but I hardly get to see him so whenever I do get to see him, I’d want it to be special. Then, Prof Karen Walker said that he thinks it’s the cause of me not seeing him that much. The expensive meals. Coz he was afraid to go out with me more often since I only go to expensive restaurants.

That’s bull. I am not expensive. I cook. I eat at roadside stalls. I only eat out at expensive eateries when I am out with good friends or with a special someone. Sure, I do love to dine out at Chili’s or Tony Roma’s but I hardly ever do, unless I am with someone. Normally on weekends. Since I can go to a mamak restaurant any time I want to, when I go out with him or friends, I’d rather go to some place fancier. Sigh.

Apparently, that kind of thinking is the cause of me not going out with #1 Crush as much and now, he’s put the kibosh on us hanging out. Unless he has the cash to go out. Sigh. Since I don’t know when he’d have the cash to spare, he’s gonna have to ask me out. The chances of that happening? Hmmm, lessee… highly unlikely… it’s either me asking or me hinting and nudging until he asks…

Anywho, I think my posts about #1 Crush will be less and less. It’s definitely not working out. Yes I am in love with him and everyone else pales in comparison to him. Of course that’s biased ole me talking. But it’s the truth.

I don’t know for sure how he feels about me. I think he cares, possibly even loves me but to a different degree that how I feel about him. I’d die for him but I don’t think he’d die for me.


Monday, September 8, 2008

Older and Far Away

Cliff Notes of My So Called Life...

1. Work – Busy. As per usual. Almost no time for social life and for friends. Sigh. But according ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, that means I am doing well at work.
2. Colleagues – Am getting closer to a bunch of them since I am almost always at the office. Apparently, these nightshifters have a system that they’ve worked out and I fit right in.
3. Colleagues – The recently married colleague that I mentioned before, (no, not you Teddy, recently married colleague is a girl. Well, I can see why Teddy got confused…), about her not spending time with me after she got married? We’re closer now and her husband’s cool. I like spending time with them and they like spending time with me. They even let me take their car to go to work last weekend!
4. Dating – am seeing someone…
5. Guys – why the hell do I attract all these young’uns?? I am barely 21! Okay, okay, 9 years ago, barely 21… I don’t understand this thing where I keep getting younger guys. Okay, so #1 Crush is young too but at least he’s quite matured. I have no energy to raise a child. That is why I am single and gay. Sigh.
6. #1 Crush – speaking of, he’s gone AWOL again… it’s like a vicious cycle… I’ve told you guys about his new rule right? The one where I am not allowed to ask him out? Unless he is brimming with the green stuff? Well, I guess that would be like… never… sigh… I miss him… I guess it would be a burden going out so I won’t ask anymore… as to not burden him…
7. Went back to hometown to see the familia over the Merdeka weekend. Things with me mom is slightly better but she is still the same ole mom, still nagging, still criticizing, still scrutinizing… sigh…
8. Have been spending a lot of time in the office lately… sometimes I do have legitimate work but most of the time I stick around for the company… living alone is getting to me apparently…

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dead Things

Jealous Guy from work is talking to me. Weird much?

He is in the same unit as me. Actually, there’s only him and me in the unit. And the bitchy boss. There really is no need for jealousy.

I did not get it at first. Why would he be all jealous of me? We do different kind of work. It’s not like we’re ever competing for the same award or the same promotion.

Anyways, a good friend of mine, which is a colleague from a different department, warned me about Jealous Guy. Apparently, JG has been mouthing off to him about me. Bad things about me. Unfortunately for him and quite fortunate for me, this colleague (and most of the people working there) is a good friend of mine. At the very least, I get along with most of them.

So he told me what JG had told him. I did not know what to make of it. He’s not a fag. He’s married with a kid. But he mouths off like a fag.

Then, another colleague/friend told me that JG had been mouthing off, in front of him, to my boss. Third time’s the charm. He mouthed off again to another colleague and of course, I was informed of the incident.

I kept quiet. I concentrated on my work and made sure I covered my tracks. Now, he is in trouble with the boss and her Mini-Me. I likey. He has this habit of blaming everybody else for him slacking off and not doing work. I was one of the victims. But he can’t use me as an excuse/punching bag anymore. Boss got all the emails and knows I am doing my work. Yay! Karma’s a bitch…

But he is talking to me now. I don’t know what to make of it. I am guessing he needs to borrow money from me. Yes, he borrows money from me on a monthly basis. Which is why I am so not understanding why he is dissing me to my good friends. Anyways, this gravy train has left the station and I ain’t helping him anymore.

Ooh, he is also trying to make nice with a lot of the other colleagues. See, after they’ve seen his bad behavior, with me and with others he blamed for him coming in to a 9-6 daily shift at noon and leaving by 3 to go catch a movie or karaoke and not being able to finish his work on time… wow, that’s a loooong sentence… did not even finish it yet… where was I?

Oh, yes, other colleagues have been avoiding him like the plague. He did not care at first because he was kinda on good terms with the boss. Now that the boss has an entirely evil Mini-Me, he has been cast out and that was when the trouble started for him. But he totally had it coming.

After people see that he is not a nice guy, and that I am nicer, they did not care for him as much. As a matter of fact, some people downright hate him. Sigh. The problem is I have to work with him so I don’t really have the luxury of cold-shouldering him. Sigh. But I am slightly enjoying the fact that his life is miserable right now. What? It’s not like I ratted him out for being late! It was someone else but naturally he thought it was me. Like, whatever! I have not caused him any harm so I ain’t evil for smiling at his misfortune. Wait, maybe I am evil because I smile at his misfortune that is not caused by me. I am confused. Either way, I am enjoying seeing him squirm in front of the boss, trying to weasel his way out of problems that he himself caused.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Doublemeat Palace

So many things are going on right now. Trouble at the work with a jealously weird colleague. Work load’s been piled on, again. Health is on the fritz. Love life sucks.

Lessee, love life first. I mentioned the last time I was seeing someone? Well, it’s over now. He chose to be with someone else. It does hurt a little bit, especially when I try to turn to my friends for comfort and it just got dismissed. Apparently, people have a say in how I should be feeling. If it is less than a month, then I am not allowed to feel pain. Sigh.

There is a silver lining though. Right now, he, as in the guy I was seeing, is having major problems with the new guy. Not matured enough. Too whiney. He told me he was depressed. This was the day after they became a couple. He even told me that there was no X factor, nothing special, nothing the guy was bringing to the table. His life did not change at all with the addition of the new guy. I am not being evil or being a woman scorned. He told me all this.

He also told me that he checked the guy’s phone messages. I told him off about it but he argued his case. If he did not have done so, he would not have caught the guy cheating on him. Or will cheat on him. It’s a whole convoluted thing that I won’t get into coz that’s their lives, not mine. I asked him why he picked that one over me and he said he had no idea why. He also said that he made the wrong choice. He had two guys in his life and he chose the wrong one. Which means he think I was the right one. Unfortunately, he already made his bed and now he has to sleep with it.

Yes, yes, I was secretly smiling. Of course secretly. I know tact. I won’t flaunt it in his face. This Friday will be the day. I’ll know whether the affair’s happening or not and whether they’ll stay together or not. What if they broke up you ask? I don’t know. I don’t see me ever going to him now. I was good to and/or for him and he totally dropped me for that.

Anyways, speaking being good, I’ve been single for more than one year now. I tried dating, jumping back into the fray. Unfortunately, all I got was people who just wanted fun and people who are taken. Have anyone seen Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married? Starring Janet Jackson? Good movie. It was where I got the ’80-20 rule’.

You only get 80% of what you need from your partner. The other 20% is what causes you to cheat on your partner. Unfortunately, that 20% is more attractive than the 80% hence a lot of people break up but in the end realized that they made a mistake. Like the guy I was seeing…

My point is, no one stuck by me. I’m like a pit stop. Once they’ve broken or had a flat tire, they’d stop by and after I fixed them, they dashed off. Well, there is one who has stuck by me for over a year now. Yup, #1 Crush. Now, you all know how convoluted my ‘relationship’ with him is, right? No matter what happened between us, or what happened in our lives, he is still there for me and I for him. I guess I’m kinda lucky in that sense. I may be his 20% and he may have not left his 80% for me, but we’re still there for each other and I guess, when it comes right down to the wire, that’s all that matters.

Friday, July 11, 2008


Life’s hectic right now. Work is a bitch and I ain’t talking about my boss. Well, okay, my boss is a bitch but… well, I guess I am talking about her. Love life is confusing, as per usual and I ain’t talking about #1 Crush. Social life is kinda weird.

Well, let’s start with the working sitch. There is a departmental war in the company. I belong to one department but the other department had asked me to fill in every now and again during the weekends since I also have some experience in that area. So I agreed. Money is always good eh? No one’s gonna give me 15 bucks per hour anyway.

Unfortunately, that was when I got caught in the crossfire. My boss is unofficially punishing me for helping out the other department and has piled on work. Not to mention that she said that my work is inadequate and that my working part time on weekends is interfering.

That vengeful bitch. She’s just using me as a pawn in her war against that other department. Sigh.

I am kinda seeing someone. Yes, that same someone who’ve I blogged about before. I have a routine now. I sleep over at his place Wednesdays and Thursdays. If I am working during the weekend, then I go back home. If not, I’d stay. Not sure if you can call it serious or not. I am hung up over #1 Crush and he has his own #1 Crush to deal with. I am attempting to move on but I am not sure if he is.

Speaking of #1 Crush, we’re still friends. Twas a misunderstanding on my part. Well, I am a drama mama after all. #1 Crush and I are doing fine. Nothing more, nothing less. Period.

Socially, I am doing so well. I am feeling abandoned these days. I am sure my friends would say that I am not there for them as well since I started dating, um, haven’t named him now have I? Hmmm…

Anyways, there’s the case of my recently married friend. We used to hang out a lot together. I do get it. Once you’ve committed to someone, you’re priorities change but you gotta make time for your closest friends and I feel that this friend has not been trying hard enough to make time for the friends. Sigh.

Anyways, I was upset for all of two seconds coz I realize that the world has never revolved around me. So I had to deal with it coz that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Oooh, sure could use a cookie right about now. What??

Friday, June 27, 2008


I had the most peculiar conversation with #1 Crush today. Okay, the conversation took place Monday and I guess it spilled over to the whole week.

I told him how I have been feeling lately. About the silent treatments. Felt like I am being used. Like when there's absolutely no one around, then he'll find me. Okay, that's not exactly how I felt. Maybe just a bit.

Unfortunately, a concerned friend filled my head with talks about him using people quite a lot.

Nutshell? He was not pleased. But it was not as bad as you'd think. He seemed okay about it during the week. We chatted quite often, like the way we used to.

However, today, he was kinda quiet and when he did buzz me, the chatter was quite weird. Towards the end of the conversation AKA time to leave the office, he said a few choice words that hinted at the possibility that he might have taken offence at the insinuation and that he might wanna end our whatevership.

But maybe I am being paranoid and being overly dramatic. But when you sign off with 'have to go home now, bye, nice knowing u', that so doesn't leave a body feeling good now does it?


Anyways, if that is indeed the situation, then I guess I just have to take it like a man. I've always said that I wanted to slow things down since I am head over heels in love with him but he doesn't feel the same way. But I never wanted total and utter separation.

But if that is indeed what he wants, then who am I to do anything eh? I might be losing one of the best (not to mention one of the hottest) guys I've ever met. Guess there's no such thing as having cake and eating it too.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I am officially 30 years old now. Turned 30 on Monday. Spent the whole day with #1 Crush. Not that it was planned or anything. He had a thing and needed my help. Since I was already on leave that day, I helped him. Again, we did not hang out because of my birthday.

Anyways, I have vowed to change a few things about myself and my life. But I won’t talk about em now. I don’t wanna jinx it.

Maybe I’ll talk about this after a couple of months, when things are in place and more concrete.

Any event, things are kinda okay with my life right now. Work is okay. I am even working on the weekends as a part time assistant producer. So money’s slightly better now. Love life… nothing to write home about. The guy I am seeing turned out to be in love with someone else, who’s in a relationship with someone else. Kinda like my situation with #1 Crush.

Speaking of, my feelings for him have not dissipated. I still love him. But I have accepted the fact that we are close friends and nothing more. I am fine with that.

By the way, people from work actually celebrated my birthday. Without me. Yup, you read right. They bought cake and everything but forgot that I had sent in my application for leave. Sigh. But shows that they cared about me eh?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Tabula Rasa

I am kinda seeing someone new. No, not like a relationship, boyfriend-boyfriend thing. But just dating. Um, not even dating. Is it dating? Quite confusing.

We’ve chatted before a couple of times but we never kept in touch.

Somehow, we hooked up online last Friday and he took me out clubbing. But it did seem like he was a bit distant, so maybe he just wanted clubbing buddy. Fine by me. I had not been out clubbing for a few months now. So I needed to go out. Bad.

True to form, I was out of touch. Most of the songs played were foreign to me, and not just coz they’re in a foreign language. I understand English. Hehehhe. But I just don’t recognize any of them. Except for the oldies.

Anyway, I was pretty much ignored in the club. But I was fully anticipating this mostly because you can’t talk in a club. Too loud. So I just danced a bit here and there and mostly watch people.

Unfortunately, everywhere I look, every guy I checked out, reminded me of #1 Crush. Salt to wound? I literally saw him. #1 Crush. In everyone in my field of vision. Could have sworn it was him, until a burst of light hit him and I realized twas just a random dude. I was going out of my mind. In every single gyrating guy. Sigh. Apparently getting over him would be a tumultuous ride.

Anywho, this new guy. So after the club, we went to a mamak for some food and/or drinks. When I say we, I mean him and his friends. I was so caught off guard. But I think I handled it fine. By that time, I really thought he had no interest in me whatsoever, because I was talking to the friends a lot more. He was more silent than the lambs.

But towards the end of the, um, morning, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place. That’s a good sign right? Right?

Anyways, to cut an interesting story short, he had asked me to come to his place almost every night since and yes, I had been sleeping at his place and going to work in the morning. Lucky he works nearby.

But back to the topic of seeing vs dating vs whachamacallit… Not too sure what this is but so far, I’m liking it…

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Once More, With Feelings

I cried today. In the office. In front of my colleagues. Okay, not really in front. At my cubicle. Lucky no one came to see me. I am kinda poopular around here. Apparently, people came up to me for advice. Yeah. Advice. Relationship advice. Of all people, they'd ask me. The screw-up. The one who can't seem to fall for available guys. The one who is kinda masochist and likes to inflict pain on his own heart. Wait... that would make me kinda sadist huh?

Anyways, I've been downloading some songs these past couple of weeks. Especially since my laptop crashed for the second time and everything had been erased.

Downloading randomly mind you. Happened to download Marc Thomas' song called Your Love My Love. And happened to listen to it today. Oh. My. God. The tears just flowed like I was a weepy friend of mine watching Enchanted. Yup, Enchanted. God, he cries watching everything.

In any event, the song reminded me of him. Not Weepy Boy. The other him. Oh, alright. Force it out me why dun you. #1 Crush. There I said it. Sigh.

I know I am supposed to be on this plan to slow it down and such, but I miss him so much. It's been a month since I last saw him. Last stared into his eyes. Last be near him. Last touched him. Emm, the PG-13 touch. The non-notty touch. Last breathed the same air as him. Last took his picture with my trusty camera phone. Last heard his sexy manly voice. Last gave him a happy. Err, the PG-13 happy. Non-notty happy. Gave him a birthday present that he said he loved.

I had not realized how much I miss him and how much he is a part of my daily processes and thoughts. Until I heard this song and the walls came crashing down.

I understand that I have to be strong and not let my feelings for him cloud my mind. I stand to lose everything and get hurt. So I am taking the high road and slowly trying to back away from my own selfish needs. It is not that easy though. #1 Crush is back from his weeks-of-silence. And there's that one particular day looming in the distance...

Tell me what would you do if I
Left on this train tomorrow
Would you chase that train down
To the end of the platform?
And would you leave your love there
For me to return to?
Cause you know Ill be back real soon
And you should know Id do the same for you

I know I just met you
But I’ll never forget you

Your Love is my Love
And your Pain is my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

I want to be with you
Hand in hand and face to face
Let’s find a way
Back to this place

Yesterday I found that letter that you wrote me
It was hiding in my coat
I mustve read it bout a hundred thousand times
Well we don’t know where we’re going
And we don’t know what’s in store
But, boy, I really love your kisses and I hope I get a hundred thousand more

I know I just met you
But I’ll never regret you

Your Love is my Love
And your Pain is my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

You’re one in a million
But for now I’m gonna put this love away
In a space that we may find again one day

Your Love is forever my Love
And your Pain is forever my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

I want to be with you
Hand in hand and face to face
Oh, let's find a way
Back to this place

Marc Thomas - Your Love, My Love

Saturday, June 7, 2008

All the Way

June’s quite a big month for me. My nephew was born in this month, and so was I.

But this year, it’s a bit special. This is my 6th month working at the company. One more month, and I’d officially last longer at one job than all other previous jobs. Except for my first job of course. I worked there for more than 2 years. Yup, I had been moving from one job to another ever since that first company shut down.

I had been told, unofficially, that I would be confirmed. Yay! The letter had been drawn up and everything. I have seen it with my own eyes. Unfortunately, we are changing management, and the GM refused to sign the letter and wanted the new management to issue the letter. Unfortunately, the new management wants to put it on hold. So much for the ‘yay’ eh?

But I was told that it’s not just me. Everybody else is in the same boat. Phew!

Anyways, I am taking some time off to go back to my hometown to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. Although it won’t be for too long because the universe will implode if I am in the same room with my mom for more than five minutes.

This month is also when I am testing #1 Crush. To see what the thing between us is… just friends or more or a thing of convenience…

Friday, May 30, 2008

Life Serial

The 28th had come and gone. No, we did not go out. He didn't contact me at all. I called him on Monday, asking if it was still on and he said it was.

Now that I had him on the line, I asked him why he was quiet for two weeks. Busy was the answer I got. He claimed to not have gotten my SMSes. Sigh.

He also said that he'd YM me the next day to discuss the details of the replacement birthday celebration dinner.

But of course, he never did contact me and we never did meet.

I've came up with a plan for me to back off whatever the thing is between us, at least for awhile. It seems like all the work came from me and not from him. Kinda like he is taking me for granted and that he doesn't really care.

Now I cannot know for sure what's going on inside his head but I figured it's best if we slowed things down. Maybe we've gotten too close. With the way things were going between us, it's not a bad idea. He's already not contacted me for a couple of weeks so I am used to being alone without him (in spirit anyways).

Just as I was braving the day implementing the new strategy, he YMed me. Even though I was offline. I was online but I was offline to him. So we chatted. No apologies for the silence. No apologies for the canceled date. Nothing. As expected of course.

What am I supposed to do now? As soon as I try to withdraw, he pull me back in...

I think I oughta stick with the plan. Backing off. A bit. Am not gonna pursue anymore. If he wants to meet up, he'll ask and we'll meet. If he wants to chat, he'll buzz me and we'll chat. Nothing more, nothing less. Am tired of being the only one who cares about this 'relationship'...

Sunday, May 25, 2008


I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

Thursday, May 22, 2008

After Life

It's been a week since I saw #1 Crush. A week since his birthday. Ever since then, I got busy with work. And apparently, he is also very busy.

We've not talked. We've not YMed. We've not SMSed. Nothing.

I got worried. Something might've happened to him. I sent him one message last week and another this week. Both went unanswered. More worrying occurred.

Then yesterday, I accidentally blocked him on YM, ya know, while doing spring cleaning. Yes, I spring-clean my YM every now and then. Too many people on the list but I am not chatting that often...

Anyways, I just wanted to put him as offline but accidentally blocked him and he went missing from my YM. So I added him back. There was a sign on next to him name saying connection pending approval or something like that. By afternoon, that message was gone. That would mean he had approved me.

That would also mean he was online, at work and alive and well. And that would also mean he is ignoring my SMSes. He was also not chatting with me by choice. He was there in front of the computer and he could approve my request but he had no time to tell me that he was alright and that he was busy? Hmmm...

Anyways, now I am thinking that it's possible that whatever it is that I had with him have ended. Sigh. If only he'd tell me what's up. That it's over. Or that he truly is busy. Or he could no longer be friends with me. I was worried until the whole 'approve' thingy. Thought he was in an accident or sick or something...

Whatever it is, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst. Dayyymmmnnn. This time last year, I broke up with The Ex. Same time, different guy. Only this time, I am truly, madly, deeply in love with the guy. Sigh. Why can't these people wait until after my birthday to break up with me? I've never celebrated my birthday with the guy I am in love with... sigh...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Bargaining Part 2

We did not go through with the original plan. Big celebratory dinner. Because both of us kinda broke. So he asked to reschedule it to pay day. Which would be in 16 days. 16 days would be too long and the last time I saw him was early April. I told him (and I was being bold with this) that I missed him and I wanna meet him still. Besides, I could give him his birthday present.

He said okay. We could meet up for a short while, for drinks. Yay! He did not say no. Yay again! Hehehehe.

So we met. He looked as ravishing as ever but he wore pants that kinda hide his nice tush. Dammit. We went to Carrefour and had drinks and talked. He said the weirdest thing to me... He asked me why I was so sexy... *blushes*

Then, Nelly Furtado came along and sang "Why do all good things come to an end?"

We parted ways. Yup, just a short meetup. I gave him his present. I was all nervous. He opened it and loved it! Yay! Phew! Then he asked when my birthday was. I am guessing that he wants to get me an awesome gift as well. Hehehehhe.

Before I got out of the car, I shook his hand and wished him happy birthday, then I got bold again and asked for a hug. I know, I know, I should have been spontaneous and just hugged him but we were both strapped in. Why the hell did I asked him that? Stupid me.

But he said that there were too many people around so we could not. He told me I could give him the hug later on when we met again for celebratory dinner. Yay!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Bargaining Part 1

#1 Crush's birthday is coming up. I've planned to have a celebratory dinner with him the night before his actual birthday. Ya know, so that if other people such as colleagues, family members or the boyfriend would wanna take him out to celebrate, they could. He'd be free to celebrate with them.

He has confirmed that the dinner is on. Yay! I am so happy. Unfortunately, his birthday came at such an unfortunate timing. I was told that some of the claims that was due to me is not actually claimable. Like the PWTC gig. 10 days worth of allowances gone down the drain, even though I already got some allowance from the parent company and also from the organisers. But when I asked my boss, she said I could still claim. Sigh.

So starting last week (and even the weekend), I am watching my spending and not going out as much so that I could go celebrate #1 Crush's birthday. Not that I wanna spend that much money, but at least a decent restaurant. It's not often I get to celebrate the birthday of someone I am in love with. Yes, that's right. Even after all these years, I've never been with anyone that long to celebrate a birthday or even an anniversary. Sigh.

I am still at a loss as to what to give #1 Crush for a birthday present. I am sure my undying love and loyalty doesn't count. Right? Hehehehe...

Yeah, even though he knows how I feel about him, it's kinda awkward to be saying it out loud.

I got him a DVD. Is that a good present? It's his favorite movie. Double Disc Special Edition Director's Cut. I actually had bought it a long time ago but when I bought it, I had #1 Crush in mind. And I think he's seen the DVD on my shelves whenever he came over. Is that tacky? Giving a present that's been bought a long time ago? Anyway, I am out of ideas so I am giving him that DVD and also perfume, But the perfume was something he had specifically asked me to get for him from the warehouse sale that I went to, so technically it could not be counted as a present.

I am so psyched!! Can't wait for Monday... I wanna hug him and kiss him... but I dunno if I would have the nerve to do so... maybe... I am so gonna need liquor... wish me luck! :)

By the way, tomorrow (11th) makes it exactly one year that I broke up with The Ex and one year that I have been single... Not too sure where he is or what he is doing... but I hope he's happy... okay, I don't, sue me... I hope he rot in purgatory but happily rotting in purgatory... hehehehe...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Gift

May. A month full of events. Birthdays. An ex-fag hag. A few scandals. A friend. #1 Crush. Yes, you know where this was headed. Such smart readers. Oh, and two days before #1 Crush’s birthday, my ex and I broke up, exactly one year ago.

Don’t worry. I am over that. I have #1 Crush. Not that I using #1 Crush to get over my ex. Hmm… methinks it’s about time to name #1 Crush something else since I am sure that I am no longer crushing… any suggestions?

Anyways, I told you guys that I had been working super crazy and that I rarely get time off, even weekends off right? So I am taking time off in May. Just a few days. I still have plenty of replacement leave though.

I am taking time off specifically the day before #1 Crush’s birthday. And on the day itself. I wanna celebrate his birthday with dinner. Even though #1 Crush mentioned that he doesn’t celebrate his birthday, I am hoping he’d bend the rules for me. Yup, I told him that I’d love to take him out. He’ll consider. Hopefully we can get together. This would be the first time I actually celebrate a loved one’s birthday with them.

If he says no, or he’s too busy with work, then I get to be on leave still. Consolation prize but hey, still something right. I told him I’d take him out the day before the actual birthday so that he could spend his birthday with his friends or his boyfriend. *clutches chest* Dun worry, I’ll be okay…

Now. What do I get him for a birthday present? I already bought him Polo Black during the perfume warehouse sale last weekend but that was more him asking me to buy him something and not me buying it coz I wanted to.

Oh, speaking of perfumes, I called him Saturday to tell him what I bought for him. I normally would not disturb him on weekends as that was the time for him with his boyfriend *head aches*. Ugh, that kinda hurt.

But I already told him about it on Friday. I actually wanted to confirm if he wants it or not but he did not pick up the first time I called so I naturally assumed he was with the boyfriend. Hey, that did not hurt. *nose bleeds* Dammit.

But later in the afternoon, during lunch, he sent me a message so I called him and we talked for a bit. Today, he told me his boyfriend was actually listening in on the conversation. Crap. #1 Crush was being ominous and stopped communicating after that. Did he get in trouble? But why would he get in trouble? It was a very innocuous conversation. I am kinda worried though. This incident might put a crimp in my plans to celebrate his birthday later in the month…

UPDATE: It seems that I was worried for no apparent reason. All is fine... :)

Monday, April 21, 2008

Weight of the World

Prof Karen Walker loves to stir things up. I don’t think he could sit by and watch things moving at a glacial pace.

He recently asked me a series of questions. Questions pertaining to #1 Crush.

Questions like “Where is this going?” and “What do you want from this?” and the million dollar question, “If he continues to treat you nicely and pay attention to you, will you stop looking?”

Questions that I could not really answer. Um, for those not in the know (or those just starting to read the blog), I am in love with #1 Crush (aptly named after the Romeo & Juliet song by Garbage) but unfortunately for me, he is currently in a relationship. I don’t even know if he likes me like how I like him or not. I know he enjoys spending time with me, if not we would not be meeting it up every now and again, just the two of us.

Anyways, I am not sure where this is going and what I want from this. Okay, I know what I want. Him. Plain and simple. But then things get complicated. Assuming that he digs me too, how would one proceed with that? I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around, as Ms Keys would belt out. What would stop someone else from breaking us up if that was how I got him in the first place?

Then, typically, Prof Karen Walker came out with a taunt.

“(*name censored for anonymity) is vacationing with (again, censored, anonymity). What have you got?”

Yeah, there’s this guy who’s in love with another guy but that guy is not single. Sounds familiar? Exactly like the situation I am in with #1 Crush. Hence the comparison. This guy did not care about anyone else and he set out to get his man. Prof Karen Walker have not said this out loud but I think he’s rooting for this guy. Maybe because the guy is doing something about it. He wants it, and he’ll work to achieve it. And the Prof has been telling me that I don’t communicate well and that I never say what I want.

How do I do this? Do I just tell #1 Crush about my feelings for him and attempt to break him and his boyfriend up? I have a problem with that scenario. Not the telling about feelings part but the breaking up of people part. Actually, #1 Crush knows of my feelings for him. We kinda talked about it early on. He is also a conversational wizard and managed to wring out of me the address of this blog. Since I write about my feelings here, including feelings about him, he has read them all and knows everything. He has no problems with it and had said that I am entitled to my feelings and he is flattered.

I guess Prof Karen Walker is the hands-on kinda guy. It must’ve baffled him to see me going at it like this.

It’s clear. I am not denying that I am in love. I am also not denying that I have no idea how #1 Crush feels about me or about all this. For all I know, he is quite happy with his current life and is not looking for a change. However, he is still in touch with me almost daily and when there’s a break in both our schedules, we’d meet up for some quality time together.

No matter what, I am thankful that he is in my life. Even if we’re destined to just be friends. I’ll take it. Be near him is good enough for me. Guess we now know the answer to the third question eh?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Had been working for two weekends in a row. Normally I’d complain and bitch about it but this time I was happy to do it.

Book Fair at PWTC. The parent company joined us at the booth and actually gave us RM20 per day meal allowance. I also get to claim from my employers RM40 per day. That doesn’t include the RM20 per day I got as a bonus from the organizers because they were supposed to provide food but they did not manage to. All in all, it’s RM80 per day on top of my salary.

Plus, #1 Crush was there. There were so many things going on between us. Lunches, dinners, karaokes, bowling. There was even cooking of dinner. He was cooking at my place. J

Yes, I am a happy gurl. Although the book fair is over and life resumed back to its normal ways, I still smile when recalling the book fair. We spent so much time together in that one week than we’ve ever done in the one year we’ve been friends. Sigh.

Oh, and Marketing Girl quit. I bet my boss is doing a happy dance. She told me and a colleague that she’d do whatever it takes to make sure MG quit.

Hmm, two mini paragraphs of #1 Crush and I moved on to work stuff? Weird. I don’t really feel the need to talk about what went on. Too much things to blog? Not really. Hmmm…

I have to say this though. I am getting more comfortable with him and letting my guard down. I mentioned karaoke right? I’ve always tried to and successfully avoided him for karaokes because I am shy. I don’t let just anyone hear me sing. Next up is clubbing. Yes, I’ve been avoiding him in the clubs too. I dunno why but I am shy. I don’t really dance, even though I love to dance. He’s been seeking me out in the clubs but we’ve never crossed paths. Thank Goddess.

Oh, also, I’ve been getting more and more jealous. Of other people flirting with him. Of course I can’t control it and can’t stop them from flirting. The thing that makes it worse is that #1 Crush flirts back. Sigh.

#1 Crush is extremely charming and good looking. Quite a number of guys and girls fall for him. Including this one gay guy working in front of my booth. Of course I can’t tell him off, to tell him to stop flirting with #1 Crush. Sigh.

#1 Crush was not being helpful to the sitch coz he also flirts back and was asking for the fag’s number. I told him I would not give him the number because I was jealous. Yup, that’s right. I told him. Dunno whether I oughta feel proud that I was forthcoming with the info or I should feel embarrassed. After all, #1 Crush is not mine. I should not be jealous. We’re supposed to be just friends. Sigh.

Then, there was this incident with a friend who wanted so badly to meet #1 Crush. Of course I balked. Not so much from jealousy… okay, jealous. But also coz I have told them of my feelings for #1 Crush and I did not want any of it repeated to #1 Crush.

But this friend went around telling my other friends his intentions of wanting to meet #1 Crush. I shouldn’t balk at that right? Wrong. He also told my friends he would not mind if #1 Crush wanted to do him. He told me himself that he wanted to meet #1 Crush but only meet. But then he finished his statement by saying “I don’t think I am #1 Crush’s taste anyways.” Announcing intentions much?

#1 Crush is good looking and I don’t blame the guy for getting an itch down there but come on. Like Tyra Banks said, “If you’re a bitch, hide it”. If you really wanna go down this road, don’t tell me lar. He knows how I feel and yet he’s flaunting it to my face. Sigh.

So much for not writing much about #1 Crush eh?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Tough Love

Work’s getting me down. Pressure. It’s not good for me. Understatement. I know. But I am prone to have migraines. Too much pressure and I’ll get the worst kind of migraine. Sigh.

I’d love to be able to just quit. I had even considered going back to my hometown and work with my mother. Yeah, it’s really that bad. Um, for those not in the know, I had a huge fight with my mom and we’re not really in good terms with each other for over a year and a half now. But that’s a totally different story.

Anyways, I have been given a task to do some sort of marketing thingy which had absolutely nothing to do with my job scope. Actually, I was put in charge. Now, I don’t really mind because if I go out for events like these, I could claim meal allowance. 10 days worth of meal allowance is quite a lot and I could use that kind of money.

Plus, #1 Crush will also be there. Heheheheh. Yes, I look towards the brighter side of things. I can’t look at the bad. It gives me a headache. Anyways, he’s been on the quiet side these past few days. Not sure what’s up. I miss him. Miss chatting with him. Sigh.

Oops, sidetracked. We had a meeting today to discuss the events and a colleague spoke up. She was not thrilled about doing events. She even applied for leave. My boss chewed her up and spat her out. I wished I could help her and state my case as well but my colleague dug a hole the size of a grave and jumped in.

She actually said that the marketing thingy is not a marketing exec’s job. Unfortunately for her, it really is a marketing job. My boss told her that she’s being unreasonable and that she really should take charge. Boss pointed out that me and the other two guys could cite that excuse and refuse to work but Marketing Girl could not. Boss went on a rant for half an hour. I tried diverting the word lashing and discuss the event but I could not divert it.

The guys and I were blushing like mad and our ears were red. It was effing uncomfortable. Marketing Girl was quiet like a mouse while Boss kept on lashing with her wicked mouth. Finally, Boss just told her to hand in her resignation letter coz Marketing Girl kept saying she can’t do the marketing thingy coz she’s shy and embarrassed to be doing such work. Again, digging own grave. Sigh.

I felt bad coz Boss could have lashed at Marketing Girl in private and just kept the meeting on point. Sometimes I think Boss just could not think straight and is powered by her hormones.

I don’t know whether Marketing Girl will quit or not. I hope not. I kinda like her a bit. I miss #1 Crush. Yes, yes, had to put it in there. Sigh. Our ‘relationship’ is kinda different, I can’t contact him. He contacts me. I don’t do waiting well but I have learned and understood his patterns. If I deal the hand first, I get zip. Always waiting. Always alone. No, wait, that’s a Slayer. Sigh…

Friday, March 28, 2008


Bowling is a favorite activity of mine. That, and sex. Okay not really sex. Okay, yes, sex. Not really. Oh, I’m sure you get it…

Bowling. Yes. I love bowling. I was first introseduced to bowling in 1996 I think. But I did not get into the full swing (pun intended) of it until I went to America. Bowling was cheap there.

On Tuesdays and Wednesday nights, after 9 pm, it was 99 cents per game. On Thursdays, it was 25 cents per game (but you gotta pay cover charge of 5 bucks). Fridays and Saturdays are Cyber Bowling where you bowl in the dark or UV light and the bowling balls change color. That’s USD7 for two whole hours.

Anyways, that’s where I got hooked. Plus, there was nothing else to do in Pueblo (the town where I was studying at). I don’t do like going to straight clubs and I don’t drink. It was either the movies or bowling. Or study or work.

Now, I ain’t saying I am good but I ain’t bad either. Heheheheh. Ever since I got back from America, I’ve had this resolution. I wanted to bowl a game of over 200. I had achieved 201 in 2001 and then in 2002 I got 202. I beat my own highest score.

Last Saturday, I finally achieved it. My resolution. I bowled a game of 211!! It took me 6 years but I finally got it!! Yay me!!!

Now that the celebration’s over, I gotta bowl a game of 220 next… wonder if that would take me another 6 years…

P/S – Work sitch is no better but at least my Director dismissed the whole drama as another one of my boss’ craziness.

Saturday, March 22, 2008


I got into trouble at work. I had been working 7 days a week for a few weeks now. So I asked for time off Wednesday and Friday (Thursday was Public Holiday). My boss okayed it so I hung out at home on those days.

Unfortunately for me, my boss did a Jason Bourne and conveniently forgot that she okayed my leave. She went into full bitch mode. She sent me email criticising my work performance and stuff. She even cc'ed to the Big Boss. She even said that I did a disappearing act on Wednesday. WTF??

I am in a pickle. I could not really answer the email in way that I want. Like "Yo bitch! What's eatin' your panties?" or something to that effect. I know she criticise my work because I did not come in to the office. She said that the website is outdated and that I am responsible. Sure, I admit to it but only from this week. Coz I took time off.

It's like she's hell bent on ruining my life for taking time off. I guess I did not read the fine print that said once I signed on to work there, I'm expected to work 24/7.

She's only doing this because I took time off. Just last week, she sung me praises for a job well done. This week, it's outdated and bad? Come on.

And she even went as far as saying that I am a lazy fuck who just copy off of another website and not update original stuff from our own team. My team does Malay while the website is in English. Come on! It doesn't make sense to mix the lingo.

I have answered her email. Diplomatic as hell. I wish I could just come clean and told her the truth but I still need this job. However, since my respect for her is completely gone (and now I know her true, true colors), would I really wanna work there?

Can anybody give me a job? I give good head... I mean, I am a good worker...

Should I really work from home (which I did, but of course I only update in the evening)? Even though it's my day off? What is it with me and not being able to hold down a steady job? Sigh.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Body

Work’s a bitch. Lately. Gone are the days where it’s fun and games. It’s now tense and boring and bitchy. But I won’t talk about that coz I am not directly involved.

But believe me. The underlings are in for the fight of their lives against the management. Oooh, the plot sickens…

I wanna bitch about work that’s affecting me. The part where I don’t get a life and supposed to work 24/7. Sigh.

I am still working seven days a week. Getting tired and restless. I need a break but I could not. I need my weekends. Unfortunately I have to work weekends as well and it’s not even my primary job. I hate being the reliable one.

Some friends have commented that I looked like I’ve lost weight. Can fatigue cause weight loss? If it could, then I might have slimmed down a bit. My pants are literally falling off of my waist… if only there was a cute guy around when it actually comes down to the knees… hehehehe…

Speaking of cute guys, had a date with #1 Crush… it went well. He showed up. First sign of the date going well. I believe this was our first movie date. Lessee… we saw Beowulf with friends. We saw Harry Potter with friends too. We went and saw Horton Hears A Who. His choice. I would have picked Spiderwick but Horton is okay for me too.

Oh, and he gave me three dictionaries. THREE. Free. I was looking for a dictionary for my unit and my boss gave me money to go get a couple and I told him about it. He brought em and gave me for free, even though I could’ve paid him the money. Altogether now, awwwww…

Sigh… anyways, like I said, the date went great. I always have a good time with him. Of course, he looked as hot as ever. Took all of my will power not to pinch his cheeks. On the face lar. Haiyo. Not his ass. Okay, maybe his ass too. A bit. Okay, a lot. He noticed I was drooling over his nicely shaped ass so he turned around so that I would not see the ass. Big mistake coz now his um, thingy, is bulging in my face. Sigh…

Anyways, I was not the only one who was checking out asses. He was checking out mine too. Or at least I think he was. He said that I should lose the backpack so that he could see the curviness of where the small of the back meets the ass. And he poked me on the stomach on more than one occasion. Why? The boy is a chubby chaser lar, he likes em round. Hehehehe.

Hmm… he’s not in town anymore. Outstation because of work. When work stopped being hectic today, I realized that I missed him a lot. I know he’s taken and that I am grasping at air but I can’t help it. But we all know my luck is never good in this department. Guess I should count my blessings that a hot guy is even talking to me eh?

Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Was Made to Love You

Work’s been a bitch lately. I haven’t had a proper weekend in weeks. I hate that. I need my cutie sleep.

It’s even worse when election time rolled around. I had to work on nomination day, which was a Sunday, and have been working since. This coming weekend, I am gonna be working too.

One of my closest friends is having a birthday dinner and I thought I could not attend. He sounded so disappointed. My boss had told me she expected me to stay until 10pm everyday in case. But it’s been a few days of the election campaigning and everything seems to be okay. So I got to go home at 7 or so and I also got to go home early in time for the dinner. Thank God.

And unfortunately, I can’t take a break after the election still. I am being attached to one of the divisions at the parent company for two weeks. Sigh. Guess my break will be due in April. Until then, let’s hope I don’t keel over and die…

Thursday, February 14, 2008


It’s Valentine’s Day. My mission to find me a partner or at the very least a date for VD (no, not Venereal Disease) has failed. I am alone yet again.

Sigh. Whatever. It’s no big. Okay, it’s kinda big. I know people would say that VD is tacky, just a holiday invented by Hallmark to sell more cards etc etc etc. But I feel the need to go out and have a romantic dinner. I am 22 this year (plus 8) and I have not been on a proper VD outing yet. Wait, maybe I have. Once. But that was with a boy who was still questioning so it was not totally a date.

Actually, I have been seeing a couple of guys. Okay, a few guys. But nothing serious yet. Just dinner, and then ‘dessert’. Hehehehe. But either they don’t care about VD or they just did not think I am good enough to warrant a VD outing… sad now…

Anyways, this morning I was sending out Happy VD messages and one of the guys I was seeing responded with this statement, “That’s not our culture…”

Holier than thou much? I hate when people do that. This is all about personal choice right? If you feel no need to celebrate VD or anything else, you don’t need to be all uptight about it. Just say politely that you don’t believe in VD and thank the person for the message anyway. Sigh.

I responded to that message. I said that there are plenty of non-Malay culture thingies that we do every day. He responded with “That’s just how we are, nothing we can do about it. Just don’t get carried away and start celebrating things.”

WTF?? Why does it always have to be about being gay? I was talking about life stuff. Everyday stuff. If you really look at it, almost everything in life is non-Malay. I am talking about my life in general. My work clothes, my everyday casual clothes, not culturally Malay. I don’t go around wearing Baju Melayu. I don’t eat Malay food all the time. I don’t play congkak or batu seremban or wau or wayang kulit. I don’t practice Silat or use the kris. In fact, I’d bet all the money I have that the guy don’t either.

Sigh. Why the need to be all patriotic and stuff when it’s all just a cover and superficial? I don’t like that. My respect and/or liking for him has gone down a couple notches.

Speaking of, did you guys read the news about Aretha being upset at Beyonce? Come on. Just because Beyonce called Tina the Queen? Apparently Aretha IS the Queen, a title bestowed upon her by the industry. Queen of Soul to be exact. Beyonce had a mind of her own and feels that Tina Turner deserves the title of Queen. Plus, egotistical much? Expecting everyone to call her The Queen? Sigh…

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Blood Ties

My luck has not been good lately. I guess the leprechauns forgot to pay me a visit or something. I lost my digital camera on an outing. My money literally vanished from my wallet. Either that, or someone dipped his hand into my wallet and stole it. Hope a Vengeance Demon, I mean, Justice Demon would serve up some justice there.

Anyways, the unlucky streak came again when I got stood up by #1 Crush. Yup, you heard right. He’s not as perfect as I had said huh? Of course not. No one is perfect. Sigh. But he’s quite close… hehehehe… okay, so maybe not close… I am biased…

We made plans to meet up Sunday for a matinee and lunch, even though he was going to Ipoh on Saturday and have to attend his company’s annual dinner Sunday night. Yes, he was squeezing me in his busy sched. Yeah, I was all with the “Awww…” too…

I had slight reservation about it though coz Saturdays are normally my Guys Night Out with the guys and we normally stay up until the wee hours of the morning. I might not be able to wake up in the morning because we were meeting up at 10. And I was right. We hung out until 5.30 in the morning and I dragged myself out of bed to go to Kelana Jaya LRT station and I arrived by 9.40. Waited until almost 10.30 and I send him an SMS.

He called back and said that he was sleeping and he got in at 6 am. He then asked me why I did not message him when I was coming. We already confirmed at 10 so I did not feel the need to be a secretary. So I went back home and he went back to bed. I was slightly tiffed coz I had to wake up early on a Sunday and waited for nothing. But I was more crushed because I did not get to spend time with him. Huhuhu…

He did apologize though. On Monday, he apologized again. And wanted to make it up to me. I told him a movie date would suffice so we made plans to hang out Saturday afternoon. Which led to the whole Switchfoot thing.

Yes, now we’re on Switchfoot. My colleague had been totally avoiding the subject, every time I asked her about it. She insisted that tickets would be available. I kept asking and she kept blowing me off. I had a feeling that the ticket might not be available. She did not pick up my calls the night before and on Saturday. I told #1 Crush of the sitch, that the tickets might not be available. Soooo did not wanna disappoint him. We made a B plan of going to the movies instead.

The lady did not follow through on her promise and she told me I had to go there and use my media pass and I had to masquerade #1 Crush as an intern. I did not like the odds so I called #1 Crush. He was of the same opinion. So I asked him if he still wanted to hang with me and go to the movies. He sounded hesitant, then finally saying his friends are gathering for karaoke and that karaoke had been his B plan all along. Sigh. Thought he’d wanna take the opportunity to make it up to me for standing me up the weekend before.

He’d rather hang out with his friends karaoke-ing. Who was I to stop him? But there’s this voice at the back of my mind keeps telling me that there’s a reason why he’d blow me off again, even after standing me up. Maybe I was just deluding myself into thinking that he likes me and likes hanging out with me. I totally enjoy his company but he might not feel the same way. I hope that’s not the case but with the stuff that has happened, I don’t really know for sure. Am so confused…

Friday, February 1, 2008


I am writing this from the office. Yes, I have to work!! It's Federal Territory Day and I have to work!! I even have to work Saturday and Sunday!

No big really coz I get to replace these three days at a different time. But I freaked out a bit about working Saturday coz of the Switchfoot concert. Coz of the going to the concert with a certain someone.

I told him to go ahead to the concert without me if I ended up working late Saturday but he refused to go without me, for reasons known only to him. But I am going to be all 'glass half full' and say that he is being sweet. Altogether now... Awwww...

When I asked my boss about it, she snapped at me for having excuses when it comes to work. In front of people. So I waited for her to go back to her room, then asked her again, telling her about the concert and that I am going with that special someone. Yes, yes, I told her but skipped on the details. She assumed it's a girl. An actual girl. What... #1 Crush is a man... for the most part... hehehehe...

We checked the time and found that the event was only until 12. Thank Goddess. So it's still on. I hope #1 Crush won't fall asleep or anything and stand me up again. Oh, wait, I haven't told you guys this story yet. Well, I'm gonna. Watch this space.

Oh, and yes, the tickets have yet to materialize but my colleague assures me that the tickets are accounted for. We have to go to the convention center and hook up with her friend to get it. Hopefully there's no problem. Otherwise #1 Crush might get pissed. *crosses finger*

Thursday, January 31, 2008


Switchfoot’s performing this Saturday at KL Convention Center!! And I am going to the concert!!! But more importantly, I am going with… care to take a wild guess? Yup, #1 Crush. Apparently, he is a big fan of Switchfoot but he failed to mention it to me before.

He said he did. I don’t recall any mention of Switchfoot. Anyways, I told him I am going and will be getting a free ticket coz of my new connections. I love my job. Ehehehhe.

Oh, and I was supposed to go with another friend but he had a work thing so I was in the market for a concert buddy. #1 Crush seemed like the perfect one right? Yup. But he could not really afford to buy the ticket due to prior commitments so I looked into it. Who knows, maybe I could get another free ticket.

Then I found out that the lady that was getting me the ticket had to work so I could possibly get hers. She said it’s possible so I told #1 Crush. Oh yeah, it’s not 100% set in stone yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed…

Friday, January 11, 2008

Into the Woods

Not to bitch at a new job at this early a stage but I kinda got some problems with work. Nothing too drastic or earth shattering but it's bugging the hell out of me. I know, I know, I could stand to be a little more proactive and stand up for myself and it's not like I'm such a pushover, it's just that I don't really like conflict and once a conflict emerges, work sitch will start to be uncomfortable and unbearable. Sigh.

Firstly, my pay is not that high. I got over that. But now that I might have to burn the midnight oil (I actually did a couple of times) and will have to work weekends, I am thinking that I got the short end of the stick here. Other people in the office gets a slightly smaller salary than mine but they got paid for overtime. This Sunday, I have to go outstation for a work thing and if I recall correctly, there's no meal allowance or anything allocated to me. Other colleagues, the ones that have to go out of the office all the time, gets some sort of allowance. This problem, I'll deal with later. This outstation thingy is a one-off thing I think. But working late might be a reality soon enough. I should get meal allowance or transport allowance or something.

Secondly, my colleagues are not doing their jobs. I would end up doing their jobs for them. The admin guy is never at his cubicle. And as soon as he goes and disappears, there would be a need for him. Errands and stuff. I'd be the one sent to go get a letter or a package or deliver something to another unit in the building. Nothing to do with my job right? Sigh. That's not the worst of it. This one other colleague, keeps insisting that I do her work for her. Yup, that's right.

She pretends to not know how to do stuff and out of the goodness of my heart, I'd help out. At first, I did not mind because I did not have anything to do and did not even have a computer yet so I helped out of sheer boredom. Now, I actually have somethings to do and yet she still asks me to do stuff for her. Ordinarily, I don't mind doing write-ups or Powerpoint presentations or whatever but if you want my help, you gotta do your work first, then I'll add on. Noooooooooooooooo. She wants me to write everything. Her excuse? "I'm not that good with Powerpoint" or "I don't know how to write a letter."

This, coming from a girl who's supposed to be the marketing person. How has she survived as the marketing person before this? Maybe she did what she's doing with me now, getting other people to do it for her. Sigh. Nice girl but she needs to do her own job. Hmm, come to think of it, I do recall other people, friends and whatnot, asking me to do the same thing for them. Why? Just because I know how to write? Everyone can write. I ain't that special. I know, I know, I should just tell these people to shove it up somewhere but as I did a few days ago, I'll deflect from helping. Busy with my own work. Hehheheh. Yup, I really don't like conflict. But no one gets to walk all over me and gets away with it. Doormat, I am not. I think...

Friday, January 4, 2008

Listening to Fear

The New Year is upon us once again. This has been quite a year for me, but not as tumultuous as 2006.

I started out the year with great friends, doing PR work for an oil & gas company, kinda seeing someone, kinda avoiding my mother… basically as good as it gets. After a couple of months, the ‘kinda seeing’ turned into an actual relationship. Things are looking up.

Not for long though. Just as my love life was stabilizing, my work life went down the drain. I made an error in judgment that led to me being fired. Okay, I was not fired. I was asked to leave. Technicality…

I was unemployed for a month before I was recruited by my fag hag’s twin sister. Lucky me. I thought I was going to be unemployed for months again. Luck was a lady they say and that lady was a bitch. Moody bitch at that. She got me the job but then decided to dissolve my relationship.

Yup, just as my life was getting back on track, I was dumped. The reason? He was afraid that he would forever be known a no good gold-digging tramp. I told him that was a lousy excuse. First of all, who cares what other people think and second of all, prove them all wrong. Prove to them that you’re not just using me for my money (even though I don’t have that much money). Sigh. It was like talking to a wall.

My life sank into a depression and with it, came the migraines. I had to take some emergency leave and stuff and that got me in a bit of hot water at work. I asked him to give me some money when I was unemployed but he refused to. I guess our time together meant nothing to him. The fact that I always went out of my way to help him also did not register at all. I was even more depressed. The migraines came back and brought some friends along with. My friends were there for me though. I am eternally grateful for them. And they were right about him all along. I just refused to believe it coz I was blinded by love. Sigh.

Just when I thought I was stuck in that depressed rut, along came him. The guy I’ve dubbed #1 Crush. In the few weeks I’ve known him, he managed to bring me out of my funk and I was able to function normally again. But then, I fell for him and that brought on another bout of depression. The good kind. The kind that I don’t mind because it’s all me and not caused by him.

Anyways, things at work were improving because the migraines and friends went away and I was able to go to work normally. #1 Crush and I were also doing great. I mean, we were getting along fine. Until my friends started ragging on us. Okay, so I made the tragic mistake of telling them how I felt. How was I supposed to know they’d not stop teasing me (and him) about it? Mercilessly. I don’t mind the teasing because it’s true. I heart #1 Crush. But he did not feel the same way about me. We’re just friends. He should not be subjected to such torment, especially since he has a lover already. Sigh.

So, towards the end of the year, I switched jobs yet again. I have grown to love my colleagues. My job is nice also. And have I mentioned that some of my colleagues are effing cute? And that I get to meet celebs like Sheikh Muszaphar? Sigh…

Anyways, thank you everyone who made my year a living hell and then turned it around and made it bearable again. To my ex-colleagues at the oil & gas company, even though it ended the way it did, I still look back fondly of our time together. I got to go to Singapore!

To my ex, thanks for our time together, even though now it felt like it was all a lie but a lie that I needed.

To my friends, I love you guys and thanks for being there for me, even though you guys are quite evil and nasty and devoid of human feelings.

To my fag hag and twin sis, thanks for hiring me and giving me a chance.

To my ex-colleagues, you guys made life at the office slightly pleasant. To my current colleagues, hopefully what we have now will last.

Lastly, to #1 Crush, thanks for coming into my life just when I needed it the most. I am not sure if you know this but you’ve made me more confident and slightly happier that I ever was. For that, I am eternally grateful. Hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but I love you…