Monday, April 21, 2008

Weight of the World

Prof Karen Walker loves to stir things up. I don’t think he could sit by and watch things moving at a glacial pace.

He recently asked me a series of questions. Questions pertaining to #1 Crush.

Questions like “Where is this going?” and “What do you want from this?” and the million dollar question, “If he continues to treat you nicely and pay attention to you, will you stop looking?”

Questions that I could not really answer. Um, for those not in the know (or those just starting to read the blog), I am in love with #1 Crush (aptly named after the Romeo & Juliet song by Garbage) but unfortunately for me, he is currently in a relationship. I don’t even know if he likes me like how I like him or not. I know he enjoys spending time with me, if not we would not be meeting it up every now and again, just the two of us.

Anyways, I am not sure where this is going and what I want from this. Okay, I know what I want. Him. Plain and simple. But then things get complicated. Assuming that he digs me too, how would one proceed with that? I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around, as Ms Keys would belt out. What would stop someone else from breaking us up if that was how I got him in the first place?

Then, typically, Prof Karen Walker came out with a taunt.

“(*name censored for anonymity) is vacationing with (again, censored, anonymity). What have you got?”

Yeah, there’s this guy who’s in love with another guy but that guy is not single. Sounds familiar? Exactly like the situation I am in with #1 Crush. Hence the comparison. This guy did not care about anyone else and he set out to get his man. Prof Karen Walker have not said this out loud but I think he’s rooting for this guy. Maybe because the guy is doing something about it. He wants it, and he’ll work to achieve it. And the Prof has been telling me that I don’t communicate well and that I never say what I want.

How do I do this? Do I just tell #1 Crush about my feelings for him and attempt to break him and his boyfriend up? I have a problem with that scenario. Not the telling about feelings part but the breaking up of people part. Actually, #1 Crush knows of my feelings for him. We kinda talked about it early on. He is also a conversational wizard and managed to wring out of me the address of this blog. Since I write about my feelings here, including feelings about him, he has read them all and knows everything. He has no problems with it and had said that I am entitled to my feelings and he is flattered.

I guess Prof Karen Walker is the hands-on kinda guy. It must’ve baffled him to see me going at it like this.

It’s clear. I am not denying that I am in love. I am also not denying that I have no idea how #1 Crush feels about me or about all this. For all I know, he is quite happy with his current life and is not looking for a change. However, he is still in touch with me almost daily and when there’s a break in both our schedules, we’d meet up for some quality time together.

No matter what, I am thankful that he is in my life. Even if we’re destined to just be friends. I’ll take it. Be near him is good enough for me. Guess we now know the answer to the third question eh?


savante said...

Good to have Karen Walker around, eh? :)

abd al-Hadi said...

It is obvious to me that you need to tell #1Crush exactly how you feel about him. Based on what you have written, I believe you know that as well.

Evan Owens said...

Paul, yup, he's handy to have around coz he gets to the root of it all, even when you yourself are afraid to tackle it.

Abg Hadi, I know 'the talk' is needed but it's unbelievably frightening and I don't want to pressure #1 Crush unnecessarily...

Musang said...


like flatter flattered? how un-romantic.

i know u've got it bad for him, but maybe you should just leave things as the way they are...

and start looking for someone new.



raden putra said...

awww... i think Prof Karen Walker is a bad influence.

just do whatever makes u happy, which i think is becoming a rare commodity these days.

what i mean is, be honest to yourself, and enjoy the ride...