Listening to Fear

The New Year is upon us once again. This has been quite a year for me, but not as tumultuous as 2006.

I started out the year with great friends, doing PR work for an oil & gas company, kinda seeing someone, kinda avoiding my mother… basically as good as it gets. After a couple of months, the ‘kinda seeing’ turned into an actual relationship. Things are looking up.

Not for long though. Just as my love life was stabilizing, my work life went down the drain. I made an error in judgment that led to me being fired. Okay, I was not fired. I was asked to leave. Technicality…

I was unemployed for a month before I was recruited by my fag hag’s twin sister. Lucky me. I thought I was going to be unemployed for months again. Luck was a lady they say and that lady was a bitch. Moody bitch at that. She got me the job but then decided to dissolve my relationship.

Yup, just as my life was getting back on track, I was dumped. The reason? He was afraid that he would forever be known a no good gold-digging tramp. I told him that was a lousy excuse. First of all, who cares what other people think and second of all, prove them all wrong. Prove to them that you’re not just using me for my money (even though I don’t have that much money). Sigh. It was like talking to a wall.

My life sank into a depression and with it, came the migraines. I had to take some emergency leave and stuff and that got me in a bit of hot water at work. I asked him to give me some money when I was unemployed but he refused to. I guess our time together meant nothing to him. The fact that I always went out of my way to help him also did not register at all. I was even more depressed. The migraines came back and brought some friends along with. My friends were there for me though. I am eternally grateful for them. And they were right about him all along. I just refused to believe it coz I was blinded by love. Sigh.

Just when I thought I was stuck in that depressed rut, along came him. The guy I’ve dubbed #1 Crush. In the few weeks I’ve known him, he managed to bring me out of my funk and I was able to function normally again. But then, I fell for him and that brought on another bout of depression. The good kind. The kind that I don’t mind because it’s all me and not caused by him.

Anyways, things at work were improving because the migraines and friends went away and I was able to go to work normally. #1 Crush and I were also doing great. I mean, we were getting along fine. Until my friends started ragging on us. Okay, so I made the tragic mistake of telling them how I felt. How was I supposed to know they’d not stop teasing me (and him) about it? Mercilessly. I don’t mind the teasing because it’s true. I heart #1 Crush. But he did not feel the same way about me. We’re just friends. He should not be subjected to such torment, especially since he has a lover already. Sigh.

So, towards the end of the year, I switched jobs yet again. I have grown to love my colleagues. My job is nice also. And have I mentioned that some of my colleagues are effing cute? And that I get to meet celebs like Sheikh Muszaphar? Sigh…

Anyways, thank you everyone who made my year a living hell and then turned it around and made it bearable again. To my ex-colleagues at the oil & gas company, even though it ended the way it did, I still look back fondly of our time together. I got to go to Singapore!

To my ex, thanks for our time together, even though now it felt like it was all a lie but a lie that I needed.

To my friends, I love you guys and thanks for being there for me, even though you guys are quite evil and nasty and devoid of human feelings.

To my fag hag and twin sis, thanks for hiring me and giving me a chance.

To my ex-colleagues, you guys made life at the office slightly pleasant. To my current colleagues, hopefully what we have now will last.

Lastly, to #1 Crush, thanks for coming into my life just when I needed it the most. I am not sure if you know this but you’ve made me more confident and slightly happier that I ever was. For that, I am eternally grateful. Hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but I love you…

Graduation Day Part 1

Work sucks. I can’t go to the toilet for five minutes without my boss checking up on me. Sigh. My current project is a bit complicated and I am kinda stumped. It so doesn’t help that the headache that I have been having came back and brought some friends along with. Even my eyeballs are hurting. Sigh.

I have made a new fag hag at the office. The office receptionist. She knows I am crushing on this one tall cute Chinese guy and she keeps updating me on his movements. She’ll call me if he comes in, goes to smoke or toilet. Hehehe. Not that I asked her to, mind you. She seems to think that we both would make a good couple.

I’ve noticed that he had been checking me out. At first, the receptionist was kinda skeptical. Eh, why is everyone skeptical about me being checked out? Am I that fugly? Anyways, I decided to let her see it with her own eyeballs. I hung out at the reception area and voila, Tall Cute Chi Guy came by and went smoking. When he returned, he checked me out. The receptionist saw it too. Ever since that day, she’s been pushing him on me.

Have you ever get the feeling that you’ve met someone before but you really can’t place where you’ve met him? And you know you’d remember him because he’s so cute and hot and tall? I’ve been feeling that way ever since I first met the guy. I think we were lovers in our previous lives. I know I’d remember meeting him or if I did him already. He has this look on him, like he knows me from somewhere and wanted to talk to me about it but he never does. Playing hard to get, is what the receptionist says. Sigh.

Angel

Navy Guy and I have been keeping in touch. He was quiet for one week. I think he was too busy being in love with his man to even bother with me. Suddenly, he found himself in a pickle. His guy was ignoring him and was not returning messages or picking up calls.

He called me Sunday morning. I was out all night with my friends, bowling and stuff. Then I went about watching Dreamgirls. Just as I was about to fall asleep, he called me. I did not recognize the number. I think he was using his house phone.

He said he just came back from Ipoh with his friends and they had been out all night. He was so upset at this new turn of events. I was sympathetic but also angry. How could a sane person do this to him? He had chosen you, you effing moron. He is hot, cute, nice, romantic, loyal, hot, cute, nice body, nice ass, hot, cute and romantic. Have I mentioned that he is hot? Yes, I am in love/lust with him.

I am so pissed at this guy. Not my Navy Guy. The guy that NG is head over heels for. I so wanna slap him. It’s so easy for them to get guys that they just take for granted the really good catch? Gurls like me have to work so hard just to get a decent date!

Anyway, ever since that fateful morning conversation, he and I kinda grew closer and we’ve been in touch every day. Via phone calls and SMSes. Not that anything’s ever gonna happen between us. He made that perfectly clear. He said that I was such a good friend, he did not wanna ruin it by getting romantically involved. If things do not work out, then we might not be able to remain friends. He did not wanna lose me.

A part of me went, “Awww, that’s so sweet,” while the other part of me went “WTF?!”

Anywho, I told him about my trip to the Merlion Country and that I got him a souvenir. He said that he might go to KL for CNY coz his family would be around here at that time. I told him I just needed to pass him the souvy and that’s it. Don’t wanna take up too much of his time. He’d want to spend it with his lover. Note venomous tone there.

Then he confessed. He’d be spending the first few days of CNY break over there coz the lover wanted to visit him there. After the break is over, he’d go see his family. There goes my chances of meeting him. Dammit.

Two days ago, he said that he had some bad news. I hate it when the conversation starts with that. But it turned out to be bad news for him. His lover broke it off with him, after he had tried to contact him several times unsuccessfully. Suddenly, NG’s plans all changed. He is coming to KL to meet me and spend time with me. And of course to get his souvy. I was quite happy. It only lasted for a minute.

After we ended the conversation, I felt weird. The bad kind. It seemed that I am about to be the rebound girl, ain’t I? His plans did not even include me, but now that he has been dumped, he finally realizes that I had been there for him this whole time and wanted to be with me. Second choice? Again? And again? And again? Sigh. What do I do? Meet him still? Or go back to see my family during the holidays? So confused…