Helpless

It's the end of the month. Everyone's gotten paid except for me. I'll be getting my cheque at the very last day of May. Sigh.

I have been very busy at work. I am now producing computer-based guides for the softwares. It's not hard but it's tedious and tedious is what's taking up all my time. I have been neglecting my blogs and my writings because of this. Apparently, when you're a rookie and you're quite tech-savvy and able to (almost) master new software easily, work gets piled onto you like nobody's business. I am not complaining. Hardly. I am just relaying the information to you guys. I am deeply thankful that I have this job.

I have lots to update. My housemate officially moved out of the flat so I have the place all to myself. Last week, I received a 29-inch Sharp TV from the good people at MBF. I did some balance transfer and as a thank you, they gave me the TV. Yay! No need to go and buy.

My 29" TV next to my 14"
I've turned ex-housemate's room into a media room. I've relocated the sofa and the huge book rack from my room into the media room. It’s quite nice since the window is facing wide open spaces and it’s nice and cool if I just pop open a window. Hmm, maybe I should have turned that room into my room instead. Nah, too lazy to break apart that damned huge bed.

So my living room will now be half den and half dining area. Yup, I am planning to get broadband so I don’t have to go to the cybercafés anymore. But I am not sure when this will happen. Maybe after the second full pay.

Ever since I had been dumped unceremoniously, I had been busy getting back into the grind. Does this mean I am already over The Ex? Not necessarily. Maybe my feelings for him were not that deep? Not necessarily. Dead horse, not getting any deader no matter how hard you whack it. I have accepted the death of the relationship and attempting to move on. Boy, I am having a hell of a time at the wake. Hehehe.

Last month, someone had Googled me. Evan Owens I mean. I thought I had a stalker. I was kinda excited/scared/thrilled. It's been a while since I had stalkers. Okay, that’s not true. I still have them, ehhehe.

So I decided to check it out. Google that name and see what comes up. By the way, I chose that name randomly. He was a character in my TV show script about a family of witches. It turned out that there is an actual person named Evan Owens.

The real Evan Owens
Of all the names I could have taken on, I chose the name of an actual living person. Not only that, he is an up-and-coming singer too. I guess I better start putting in a disclaimer somewhere in this blog that I am not the singer.

Or maybe I should just revert back to my other screen name. Yup, I used to go by a different name and had a different (defunct but making a comeback) blog that was quite the spicy, apparently. Anyone care to venture forth a guess? The first person to get it right gets a treat at Chili’s KLCC during Friday prayers. Hehehehhe.

Gingerbread

I am still not over Melinda Doolittle getting kicked off just before the finale. But I am at peace with the newly crowned American Idol. It's who I was expected and rooted for.

Did anyone catch the new season of The Apprentice? Um, when I say new, I actually mean the one currently showing on Malaysian TV and not the one showing in the States. Even though most people mistake me for American, I am living in Malaysia and have no access to high-speed Internet and would download episodes in advance and go around spoiling it for other people. Yes, I am talking about your friend, Prof Karen Walker! He told me Caridee won half way through the season shown on Channel V!! That bitch!!! Um, no offense to the people who downloads. I just got beef with people who walks around thinking it’s okay to spoil other people’s leisure time.

I saw the first episode of The Apprentice and one of the Project Managers were hawt! His name was Tareq (2nd guy on the left... I spoiled myself while looking for this pix, *sobs*). Hot stuff. Nice bod. Mensa member so you know at least one of his vital organs is huge. Heheheh. A witty conversation beats great sex any day. What am I talking about? Nothing beats sex. Even bad sex is better than a witty conversation. What did you expect from a slut?
Unfortunately for me, Tareq turned out to be an all-around bitch and not really intelligent. Too bad. He had the look already. Sigh. Maybe his other organ is huge that all the blood goes there, hence his brain was not functioning properly. I know, I know, I got sex imprinted in my brain.




Speaking of sex, one of my favorite shows has just been canceled. Veronica Mars, R.I.P. I loved the show. It was Buffy the Vampire Slayer without the supernatural element, Nancy Drew without being overly teenage-y, Charlie’s Angels without the overt sexuality and CSI without being too scientific. It’s about a girl, Veronica Mars, who is a super sleuth, investigating the murder of her best friend, her own rape and various other issues faced by her friends. She does this while maintaining a 4.0 average, handling the scorn of her peers for her father’s misjudgment, working part time at Java Hut and moonlighting as paparazzi for her father’s private investigation business. Phew.

Believe me, there is no show like it. It had a shaky sophomore season, as did most shows on this planet but I still had love for the show. Now, after only three seasons, it’s going to the big discard pile in heaven along with my other faves such as Buffy, Angel, Tru Calling, Charmed, Firefly, She Spies, Dark Angel and Roswell.

Here lies Veronica Mars. Never undercount the sassy.

Amends

I am okay. Seriously. Not as broken up about it as I thought I would be. I mean, I did have the whole ‘Why Me?’ heaving and crying thing. For one night only. Cue Teddy, I mean, Jennifer Hudson.

Thanks to all the well-wishers: Froggie, Paul, Alvin, Prof Karen Walker, Musang, Teddy and countless other friends for being there for me and attempted to make me feel better. I think my doing better also has something to do with the fact that I have a job now. I am pretty busy at work. So I guess my wandering mind doesn’t really have the time to um, wander.

I am avoiding Heartbreak Divas such as Sarah McLachlan, Toni Braxton, Alison Krauss etc and listening to angsty stuff from Kelly Clarkson, hippity-hop stuff from them Pussycat Dolls and mellow stuff from Carrie Underwood. Oh, not forgetting Avril. My phone used to have Alicia’s If I Ain’t Got You, PCD’s Stickwitu and a bunch of other sickly sweet love songs. But now that I am not in that situation, I don’t need to be reminded of what I’ve lost.

Speaking of songs, have you guys heard the new Kelly Clarkson? It is fantabulous. Speaks to my soul. Although I am not that angry but Never Again does make me feel empowered and better. It’s in the sidebar btw, the first song, if you guys are interested to listen to it.

Did you guys know that Kelly was dumped by some music exec back before Breakaway was released? I just found out. No wonder girlfriend’s album was so raw and angsty and pissed. Apparently, she is still pissed. Listen to Never Again and you’ll know what I mean. I hope I won’t be like that, carrying around a grudge and anger for years. I have gotten over some of my more painful breakups and I know I’ll survive this one as well.

Ooh, the new Maroon 5 is also nice, and some of the lyrics are kinda fitting for me to. Some. They were not that good live on the American Idol result show. Speaking of, anyone caught Elliot Yamin live? He is so cute but I prefer him without the shag carpet on his head. He sounds good but that song is a little too familiar though. Ooh, Melinda Doolittle got canned from Idol just one week before the finale! Dammit! I love her! She’s good and consistent! She IS the American Idol! Let’s face it, Blake is cute but he can’t really pull off singing a song normally coz he’d sound generic.

What do people call the thing that he does? Bebop? I shall call it Bebop. Bebopping that Bon Jovi song was great. I have it as my SMS tone. Hehehhe. But other than that, if he doesn’t pull a Bebop thingy… yawwwwnnn. Jordin, I like. She’s quite good. I love her singing ‘I Who Have Nothing’. I wanted girl on girl action. The last time this happened was when Diana Degarmo took on Fantasia. I hope she wins. Jordin I mean, now that my girl Ms Doo-A-Lot is out.

P/S – ESS will now be referred to as The Ex. He asked me to stay friends forever but he’s developed this cold front/wall around him to insulate or distance himself from me. Sigh.

The Wish

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Lover's Walk

Someone commented to me that I am a problem magnet. My life can never be completely problem-free. I completely agree. When I had guy problems, work was fine. Then when I had a boyfriend, work was like hell on hell. Then I was 'let go' from the company and suffered two problems - unemployment and no money. But I got my guy by my side and I was happy. Kinda.

Then, I got meself a job. Well, whaddayaknow, I got dumped. That's right, ladies and ladies, ESS, my beloved platonic boyfriend has left me. For reasons I am inclined to not tell since I've had enough discussing about it with him. He seems to think it's for the best. We're back to square one now. Being friends. Maybe we were never meant to be lovers, especially since one partner did not find the other attractive. Sigh.

Anyways, I guess everybody who thought this was a disaster waiting to happen got it right. Thank God there was no monetary wager, otherwise I'd lose.

I tried so hard to make it work. I've never tried this hard before. But I failed. It's all my fault actually. I tried to get him to commit to me. And not seek out other guys. It's okay for sex, but not for love. He could not commit to me. Maybe I am too controlling? Too pathetic? Too needy? Too bossy? Gives too much? Not fat enough? Not fair enough? About a million other things that I am not to him. I could not even make him happy coz it was apparent that he had been unhappy these past couple of months.

I miss him. He doesn't miss me. He said that he is over me. Over love. Over it all. He is so Katharine McPhee. Well, I am Avril. I had thought long and hard about what song that would definitely capture my state of mind right now. Of course perennial fave Siti Nurhaliza came to mind but her songs are too sad. I am sad sure, but not that sad. Kelly Clarkson maybe? She's too edgy and kinda righteously angry. Since You Been Gone? So not me. Avril's My Happy Ending. Not too sappy, not too sad, not too angry. Acceptance. Saw it coming. Not blaming. Still in love. Know there's no happy ending. Sigh. Here's to us, ESS! And here's to you finding what you're looking for...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Revelations

I had written a post about the impending storm AKA my situation with ESS. But I am still tweaking it and cannot come to terms with what I actually want to do so it's taking a backseat for now.

I have big news! I am no longer a lady of leisure! I have been employed! Yay me! It's a Technical Writer job for a company that provides software for ships and shipping companies. Or something to that effect. I was interviewed Monday and by today lunch, I was already at the office, going through the motions.

There were a couple of cute guys there. Thank God, if there were more, I won't be able to concentrate. One cute guy asked me out to lunch today. I was so turned on. I mean, touched. But I could not go with him since my supervisor's taking me to lunch. My supervisor's a lady and she knows I am g*y. No, I did not tell her. She knew coz she's the twin sister of my fag hag, so I guess that would make her half my fag hag eh? Heheheh. Anyways, she was looking for an assistant and my fag hag recommended me. So indebted to them.

Oh, what about the job you ask? Technical Writer. I am supposed to be writing up manuals and stuff. I would be getting the nitty gritty of it tomorrow I think. Pay's not bad too, only a couple of hundred less than what I was getting. But there is one thing though... I on a 6-month contract... after that, if I perform, they'll make me a permanent staff. I gotta stay focused and work my ass off.

ESS had told me to not go online, blog, chat or even read news on the Internet like I did at my last job and was subsequently told to quit (even though we know it's bigger than that). I won't do that, but I was told that it's okay to do so at lunchtime. :)

Ooh, I'll be getting a laptop!!! Yay!!! My current one is all broken. Half the monitor's already gone black! It's gonna cost 2K to replace. Also, my office hours is from 10 to 6! Yay! No need to fight human traffic in the morning! I could leave at 9 from my place and be at KLCC around 9.40 and walk to the office just in time. Yay! Time to celebrate!!! Break open the bubbly butt!! I mean, the bubbly... Cheers!

Band Candy

I still haven’t heard anything from those three interviews. I am assuming the worst, except for that one interview with C*sm*p*int. Apparently, they are looking for a Communications Manager first, then only they’d hire the execs. These things take time so I think I’m still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model. Oops, wrong script. I am still in the running to be hired.

Next week, I have two interviews lined up. One in KL and the other in Penang. The one in KL is for Technical Writer. The office is somewhere near KLCC which is great because there’s an LRT station nearby. The one in Penang is for Research Assistant. Monday is KL interview and Friday is Penang interview.

I would be leaving for Penang on Thursday, stay in a hotel for the night, attend the interview next morning and get on a bus back to KL in the afternoon. Of course, if the KL people want to hire me, then I won’t even attend the Penang interview. I am not a big fan of relocation. Much.

What’s that I hear? L*m*t? What about L*m*t? Is it nearby? Like it was near K*ngs*r? I guess it is near, relatively speaking. What’s that? I could go meet ESS while I am up north? Yeah, I guess I could. I’ve told ESS about it but he doesn’t think it’s possible. He has a thing or might have a thing. I am not sure which one but he seems to think that there’s a possibility that I might be there and not be able to meet him. So I am putting the kibosh on that plan. And, no, Prof Karen Walker, I am not going to the Penang interview just so that I’d have a chance to go see ESS.

Not like it matters anyway. He’s quite a busy man these days. Too busy to communicate. Sometimes I feel like a single girl. Sigh. It’s the price you pay for having a long distance relationship. A fragile one at that, where another man could just sweep him off his feet and away from me in a blink of an eye. ESS is quite the looker and apparently the charmer as well. Sigh. What? Do I think he has somebody already and he doesn’t need me anymore? No I did not think that. Now I do. Dammit. My imagination is my own worst enemy. Shut up Imagination! I am sure he’s faithful (in the boyfriend/relationship sense, and not in the sexual sense, coz we are in an open relationship) and not looking for a better boyfriend to replace unworthy, ugly me.

Trust is key. When I do get to talk to him, he has not told me to take my love and shove it. What? Do I think he has someone already but is not telling me about him? Dammit Imagination! Did you have to call your cousin, Paranoia, and fill my head with crazy things? Shut up! Just shut up! Oooh, just like my favorite Black Eyed Peas song. Shut up, just shut up, shut up.

Homecoming

Melaka Guy came over again. He arrived Wednesday afternoon and left Sunday morning. He said that he missed me and that he was jealous of me dating someone else.

The story goes like this. I was online on Monday, checking emails and stuff and he was online too. I lied to him about not eating because I have no money. What? I was just testing the waters, to see what he would do. Heheheh. He did nothing, of course. Sigh. Anyways, he questioned that statement since I was able to be online. I told him the cute guy at the counter is allowing me to go online for free. Which of course is not true.

The next day, I was watching The Number 23 at Times Square and Melaka guy messaged. I lied again. I said I was watching with Cute Counter Guy. He got all jealous and possessive and declared that he would come to KL the very next day to spend time with me and coz he misses me so much.

He's already saying that he loves me. Dear God. What about his other two guys? Where do they fit in this picture? Sigh. Anyways, I have to say that I was totally annoyed with him and his attitude. I am not alone. Prof Karen Walker also found him to be of the annoying school of thought. How annoying was he? I don't want to say. Yet. I have to really sit down and concentrate and list everything single thing. Heheheh.

All I have to say... Thank Goddess ESS has never been annoying... to me...