Wrecked

I had the most peculiar conversation with #1 Crush today. Okay, the conversation took place Monday and I guess it spilled over to the whole week.

I told him how I have been feeling lately. About the silent treatments. Felt like I am being used. Like when there's absolutely no one around, then he'll find me. Okay, that's not exactly how I felt. Maybe just a bit.

Unfortunately, a concerned friend filled my head with talks about him using people quite a lot.

Nutshell? He was not pleased. But it was not as bad as you'd think. He seemed okay about it during the week. We chatted quite often, like the way we used to.

However, today, he was kinda quiet and when he did buzz me, the chatter was quite weird. Towards the end of the conversation AKA time to leave the office, he said a few choice words that hinted at the possibility that he might have taken offence at the insinuation and that he might wanna end our whatevership.

But maybe I am being paranoid and being overly dramatic. But when you sign off with 'have to go home now, bye, nice knowing u', that so doesn't leave a body feeling good now does it?

Sigh...

Anyways, if that is indeed the situation, then I guess I just have to take it like a man. I've always said that I wanted to slow things down since I am head over heels in love with him but he doesn't feel the same way. But I never wanted total and utter separation.

But if that is indeed what he wants, then who am I to do anything eh? I might be losing one of the best (not to mention one of the hottest) guys I've ever met. Guess there's no such thing as having cake and eating it too.

Smashed

I am officially 30 years old now. Turned 30 on Monday. Spent the whole day with #1 Crush. Not that it was planned or anything. He had a thing and needed my help. Since I was already on leave that day, I helped him. Again, we did not hang out because of my birthday.

Anyways, I have vowed to change a few things about myself and my life. But I won’t talk about em now. I don’t wanna jinx it.

Maybe I’ll talk about this after a couple of months, when things are in place and more concrete.

Any event, things are kinda okay with my life right now. Work is okay. I am even working on the weekends as a part time assistant producer. So money’s slightly better now. Love life… nothing to write home about. The guy I am seeing turned out to be in love with someone else, who’s in a relationship with someone else. Kinda like my situation with #1 Crush.

Speaking of, my feelings for him have not dissipated. I still love him. But I have accepted the fact that we are close friends and nothing more. I am fine with that.

By the way, people from work actually celebrated my birthday. Without me. Yup, you read right. They bought cake and everything but forgot that I had sent in my application for leave. Sigh. But shows that they cared about me eh?

Tabula Rasa

I am kinda seeing someone new. No, not like a relationship, boyfriend-boyfriend thing. But just dating. Um, not even dating. Is it dating? Quite confusing.

We’ve chatted before a couple of times but we never kept in touch.

Somehow, we hooked up online last Friday and he took me out clubbing. But it did seem like he was a bit distant, so maybe he just wanted clubbing buddy. Fine by me. I had not been out clubbing for a few months now. So I needed to go out. Bad.

True to form, I was out of touch. Most of the songs played were foreign to me, and not just coz they’re in a foreign language. I understand English. Hehehhe. But I just don’t recognize any of them. Except for the oldies.

Anyway, I was pretty much ignored in the club. But I was fully anticipating this mostly because you can’t talk in a club. Too loud. So I just danced a bit here and there and mostly watch people.

Unfortunately, everywhere I look, every guy I checked out, reminded me of #1 Crush. Salt to wound? I literally saw him. #1 Crush. In everyone in my field of vision. Could have sworn it was him, until a burst of light hit him and I realized twas just a random dude. I was going out of my mind. In every single gyrating guy. Sigh. Apparently getting over him would be a tumultuous ride.

Anywho, this new guy. So after the club, we went to a mamak for some food and/or drinks. When I say we, I mean him and his friends. I was so caught off guard. But I think I handled it fine. By that time, I really thought he had no interest in me whatsoever, because I was talking to the friends a lot more. He was more silent than the lambs.

But towards the end of the, um, morning, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place. That’s a good sign right? Right?

Anyways, to cut an interesting story short, he had asked me to come to his place almost every night since and yes, I had been sleeping at his place and going to work in the morning. Lucky he works nearby.

But back to the topic of seeing vs dating vs whachamacallit… Not too sure what this is but so far, I’m liking it…

Once More, With Feelings

I cried today. In the office. In front of my colleagues. Okay, not really in front. At my cubicle. Lucky no one came to see me. I am kinda poopular around here. Apparently, people came up to me for advice. Yeah. Advice. Relationship advice. Of all people, they'd ask me. The screw-up. The one who can't seem to fall for available guys. The one who is kinda masochist and likes to inflict pain on his own heart. Wait... that would make me kinda sadist huh?

Anyways, I've been downloading some songs these past couple of weeks. Especially since my laptop crashed for the second time and everything had been erased.

Downloading randomly mind you. Happened to download Marc Thomas' song called Your Love My Love. And happened to listen to it today. Oh. My. God. The tears just flowed like I was a weepy friend of mine watching Enchanted. Yup, Enchanted. God, he cries watching everything.

In any event, the song reminded me of him. Not Weepy Boy. The other him. Oh, alright. Force it out me why dun you. #1 Crush. There I said it. Sigh.

I know I am supposed to be on this plan to slow it down and such, but I miss him so much. It's been a month since I last saw him. Last stared into his eyes. Last be near him. Last touched him. Emm, the PG-13 touch. The non-notty touch. Last breathed the same air as him. Last took his picture with my trusty camera phone. Last heard his sexy manly voice. Last gave him a happy. Err, the PG-13 happy. Non-notty happy. Gave him a birthday present that he said he loved.

I had not realized how much I miss him and how much he is a part of my daily processes and thoughts. Until I heard this song and the walls came crashing down.

I understand that I have to be strong and not let my feelings for him cloud my mind. I stand to lose everything and get hurt. So I am taking the high road and slowly trying to back away from my own selfish needs. It is not that easy though. #1 Crush is back from his weeks-of-silence. And there's that one particular day looming in the distance...

Tell me what would you do if I
Left on this train tomorrow
Would you chase that train down
To the end of the platform?
And would you leave your love there
For me to return to?
Cause you know Ill be back real soon
And you should know Id do the same for you

I know I just met you
But I’ll never forget you
Because

Your Love is my Love
And your Pain is my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

I want to be with you
Hand in hand and face to face
Let’s find a way
Back to this place

Yesterday I found that letter that you wrote me
It was hiding in my coat
I mustve read it bout a hundred thousand times
Well we don’t know where we’re going
And we don’t know what’s in store
But, boy, I really love your kisses and I hope I get a hundred thousand more

I know I just met you
But I’ll never regret you
Because

Your Love is my Love
And your Pain is my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

You’re one in a million
But for now I’m gonna put this love away
In a space that we may find again one day

Your Love is forever my Love
And your Pain is forever my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

I want to be with you
Hand in hand and face to face
Oh, let's find a way
Back to this place

Marc Thomas - Your Love, My Love

All the Way

June’s quite a big month for me. My nephew was born in this month, and so was I.

But this year, it’s a bit special. This is my 6th month working at the company. One more month, and I’d officially last longer at one job than all other previous jobs. Except for my first job of course. I worked there for more than 2 years. Yup, I had been moving from one job to another ever since that first company shut down.

I had been told, unofficially, that I would be confirmed. Yay! The letter had been drawn up and everything. I have seen it with my own eyes. Unfortunately, we are changing management, and the GM refused to sign the letter and wanted the new management to issue the letter. Unfortunately, the new management wants to put it on hold. So much for the ‘yay’ eh?

But I was told that it’s not just me. Everybody else is in the same boat. Phew!

Anyways, I am taking some time off to go back to my hometown to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. Although it won’t be for too long because the universe will implode if I am in the same room with my mom for more than five minutes.

This month is also when I am testing #1 Crush. To see what the thing between us is… just friends or more or a thing of convenience…