The Gift

May. A month full of events. Birthdays. An ex-fag hag. A few scandals. A friend. #1 Crush. Yes, you know where this was headed. Such smart readers. Oh, and two days before #1 Crush’s birthday, my ex and I broke up, exactly one year ago.

Don’t worry. I am over that. I have #1 Crush. Not that I using #1 Crush to get over my ex. Hmm… methinks it’s about time to name #1 Crush something else since I am sure that I am no longer crushing… any suggestions?

Anyways, I told you guys that I had been working super crazy and that I rarely get time off, even weekends off right? So I am taking time off in May. Just a few days. I still have plenty of replacement leave though.

I am taking time off specifically the day before #1 Crush’s birthday. And on the day itself. I wanna celebrate his birthday with dinner. Even though #1 Crush mentioned that he doesn’t celebrate his birthday, I am hoping he’d bend the rules for me. Yup, I told him that I’d love to take him out. He’ll consider. Hopefully we can get together. This would be the first time I actually celebrate a loved one’s birthday with them.

If he says no, or he’s too busy with work, then I get to be on leave still. Consolation prize but hey, still something right. I told him I’d take him out the day before the actual birthday so that he could spend his birthday with his friends or his boyfriend. *clutches chest* Dun worry, I’ll be okay…

Now. What do I get him for a birthday present? I already bought him Polo Black during the perfume warehouse sale last weekend but that was more him asking me to buy him something and not me buying it coz I wanted to.

Oh, speaking of perfumes, I called him Saturday to tell him what I bought for him. I normally would not disturb him on weekends as that was the time for him with his boyfriend *head aches*. Ugh, that kinda hurt.

But I already told him about it on Friday. I actually wanted to confirm if he wants it or not but he did not pick up the first time I called so I naturally assumed he was with the boyfriend. Hey, that did not hurt. *nose bleeds* Dammit.

But later in the afternoon, during lunch, he sent me a message so I called him and we talked for a bit. Today, he told me his boyfriend was actually listening in on the conversation. Crap. #1 Crush was being ominous and stopped communicating after that. Did he get in trouble? But why would he get in trouble? It was a very innocuous conversation. I am kinda worried though. This incident might put a crimp in my plans to celebrate his birthday later in the month…

UPDATE: It seems that I was worried for no apparent reason. All is fine... :)

Weight of the World

Prof Karen Walker loves to stir things up. I don’t think he could sit by and watch things moving at a glacial pace.

He recently asked me a series of questions. Questions pertaining to #1 Crush.

Questions like “Where is this going?” and “What do you want from this?” and the million dollar question, “If he continues to treat you nicely and pay attention to you, will you stop looking?”

Questions that I could not really answer. Um, for those not in the know (or those just starting to read the blog), I am in love with #1 Crush (aptly named after the Romeo & Juliet song by Garbage) but unfortunately for me, he is currently in a relationship. I don’t even know if he likes me like how I like him or not. I know he enjoys spending time with me, if not we would not be meeting it up every now and again, just the two of us.

Anyways, I am not sure where this is going and what I want from this. Okay, I know what I want. Him. Plain and simple. But then things get complicated. Assuming that he digs me too, how would one proceed with that? I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around, as Ms Keys would belt out. What would stop someone else from breaking us up if that was how I got him in the first place?

Then, typically, Prof Karen Walker came out with a taunt.

“(*name censored for anonymity) is vacationing with (again, censored, anonymity). What have you got?”

Yeah, there’s this guy who’s in love with another guy but that guy is not single. Sounds familiar? Exactly like the situation I am in with #1 Crush. Hence the comparison. This guy did not care about anyone else and he set out to get his man. Prof Karen Walker have not said this out loud but I think he’s rooting for this guy. Maybe because the guy is doing something about it. He wants it, and he’ll work to achieve it. And the Prof has been telling me that I don’t communicate well and that I never say what I want.

How do I do this? Do I just tell #1 Crush about my feelings for him and attempt to break him and his boyfriend up? I have a problem with that scenario. Not the telling about feelings part but the breaking up of people part. Actually, #1 Crush knows of my feelings for him. We kinda talked about it early on. He is also a conversational wizard and managed to wring out of me the address of this blog. Since I write about my feelings here, including feelings about him, he has read them all and knows everything. He has no problems with it and had said that I am entitled to my feelings and he is flattered.

I guess Prof Karen Walker is the hands-on kinda guy. It must’ve baffled him to see me going at it like this.

It’s clear. I am not denying that I am in love. I am also not denying that I have no idea how #1 Crush feels about me or about all this. For all I know, he is quite happy with his current life and is not looking for a change. However, he is still in touch with me almost daily and when there’s a break in both our schedules, we’d meet up for some quality time together.

No matter what, I am thankful that he is in my life. Even if we’re destined to just be friends. I’ll take it. Be near him is good enough for me. Guess we now know the answer to the third question eh?

Spiral

Had been working for two weekends in a row. Normally I’d complain and bitch about it but this time I was happy to do it.

Book Fair at PWTC. The parent company joined us at the booth and actually gave us RM20 per day meal allowance. I also get to claim from my employers RM40 per day. That doesn’t include the RM20 per day I got as a bonus from the organizers because they were supposed to provide food but they did not manage to. All in all, it’s RM80 per day on top of my salary.

Plus, #1 Crush was there. There were so many things going on between us. Lunches, dinners, karaokes, bowling. There was even cooking of dinner. He was cooking at my place. J

Yes, I am a happy gurl. Although the book fair is over and life resumed back to its normal ways, I still smile when recalling the book fair. We spent so much time together in that one week than we’ve ever done in the one year we’ve been friends. Sigh.

Oh, and Marketing Girl quit. I bet my boss is doing a happy dance. She told me and a colleague that she’d do whatever it takes to make sure MG quit.

Hmm, two mini paragraphs of #1 Crush and I moved on to work stuff? Weird. I don’t really feel the need to talk about what went on. Too much things to blog? Not really. Hmmm…

I have to say this though. I am getting more comfortable with him and letting my guard down. I mentioned karaoke right? I’ve always tried to and successfully avoided him for karaokes because I am shy. I don’t let just anyone hear me sing. Next up is clubbing. Yes, I’ve been avoiding him in the clubs too. I dunno why but I am shy. I don’t really dance, even though I love to dance. He’s been seeking me out in the clubs but we’ve never crossed paths. Thank Goddess.

Oh, also, I’ve been getting more and more jealous. Of other people flirting with him. Of course I can’t control it and can’t stop them from flirting. The thing that makes it worse is that #1 Crush flirts back. Sigh.

#1 Crush is extremely charming and good looking. Quite a number of guys and girls fall for him. Including this one gay guy working in front of my booth. Of course I can’t tell him off, to tell him to stop flirting with #1 Crush. Sigh.

#1 Crush was not being helpful to the sitch coz he also flirts back and was asking for the fag’s number. I told him I would not give him the number because I was jealous. Yup, that’s right. I told him. Dunno whether I oughta feel proud that I was forthcoming with the info or I should feel embarrassed. After all, #1 Crush is not mine. I should not be jealous. We’re supposed to be just friends. Sigh.

Then, there was this incident with a friend who wanted so badly to meet #1 Crush. Of course I balked. Not so much from jealousy… okay, jealous. But also coz I have told them of my feelings for #1 Crush and I did not want any of it repeated to #1 Crush.

But this friend went around telling my other friends his intentions of wanting to meet #1 Crush. I shouldn’t balk at that right? Wrong. He also told my friends he would not mind if #1 Crush wanted to do him. He told me himself that he wanted to meet #1 Crush but only meet. But then he finished his statement by saying “I don’t think I am #1 Crush’s taste anyways.” Announcing intentions much?

#1 Crush is good looking and I don’t blame the guy for getting an itch down there but come on. Like Tyra Banks said, “If you’re a bitch, hide it”. If you really wanna go down this road, don’t tell me lar. He knows how I feel and yet he’s flaunting it to my face. Sigh.

So much for not writing much about #1 Crush eh?

Tough Love

Work’s getting me down. Pressure. It’s not good for me. Understatement. I know. But I am prone to have migraines. Too much pressure and I’ll get the worst kind of migraine. Sigh.

I’d love to be able to just quit. I had even considered going back to my hometown and work with my mother. Yeah, it’s really that bad. Um, for those not in the know, I had a huge fight with my mom and we’re not really in good terms with each other for over a year and a half now. But that’s a totally different story.

Anyways, I have been given a task to do some sort of marketing thingy which had absolutely nothing to do with my job scope. Actually, I was put in charge. Now, I don’t really mind because if I go out for events like these, I could claim meal allowance. 10 days worth of meal allowance is quite a lot and I could use that kind of money.

Plus, #1 Crush will also be there. Heheheheh. Yes, I look towards the brighter side of things. I can’t look at the bad. It gives me a headache. Anyways, he’s been on the quiet side these past few days. Not sure what’s up. I miss him. Miss chatting with him. Sigh.

Oops, sidetracked. We had a meeting today to discuss the events and a colleague spoke up. She was not thrilled about doing events. She even applied for leave. My boss chewed her up and spat her out. I wished I could help her and state my case as well but my colleague dug a hole the size of a grave and jumped in.

She actually said that the marketing thingy is not a marketing exec’s job. Unfortunately for her, it really is a marketing job. My boss told her that she’s being unreasonable and that she really should take charge. Boss pointed out that me and the other two guys could cite that excuse and refuse to work but Marketing Girl could not. Boss went on a rant for half an hour. I tried diverting the word lashing and discuss the event but I could not divert it.

The guys and I were blushing like mad and our ears were red. It was effing uncomfortable. Marketing Girl was quiet like a mouse while Boss kept on lashing with her wicked mouth. Finally, Boss just told her to hand in her resignation letter coz Marketing Girl kept saying she can’t do the marketing thingy coz she’s shy and embarrassed to be doing such work. Again, digging own grave. Sigh.

I felt bad coz Boss could have lashed at Marketing Girl in private and just kept the meeting on point. Sometimes I think Boss just could not think straight and is powered by her hormones.

I don’t know whether Marketing Girl will quit or not. I hope not. I kinda like her a bit. I miss #1 Crush. Yes, yes, had to put it in there. Sigh. Our ‘relationship’ is kinda different, I can’t contact him. He contacts me. I don’t do waiting well but I have learned and understood his patterns. If I deal the hand first, I get zip. Always waiting. Always alone. No, wait, that’s a Slayer. Sigh…