Once More, With Feelings

I cried today. In the office. In front of my colleagues. Okay, not really in front. At my cubicle. Lucky no one came to see me. I am kinda poopular around here. Apparently, people came up to me for advice. Yeah. Advice. Relationship advice. Of all people, they'd ask me. The screw-up. The one who can't seem to fall for available guys. The one who is kinda masochist and likes to inflict pain on his own heart. Wait... that would make me kinda sadist huh?

Anyways, I've been downloading some songs these past couple of weeks. Especially since my laptop crashed for the second time and everything had been erased.

Downloading randomly mind you. Happened to download Marc Thomas' song called Your Love My Love. And happened to listen to it today. Oh. My. God. The tears just flowed like I was a weepy friend of mine watching Enchanted. Yup, Enchanted. God, he cries watching everything.

In any event, the song reminded me of him. Not Weepy Boy. The other him. Oh, alright. Force it out me why dun you. #1 Crush. There I said it. Sigh.

I know I am supposed to be on this plan to slow it down and such, but I miss him so much. It's been a month since I last saw him. Last stared into his eyes. Last be near him. Last touched him. Emm, the PG-13 touch. The non-notty touch. Last breathed the same air as him. Last took his picture with my trusty camera phone. Last heard his sexy manly voice. Last gave him a happy. Err, the PG-13 happy. Non-notty happy. Gave him a birthday present that he said he loved.

I had not realized how much I miss him and how much he is a part of my daily processes and thoughts. Until I heard this song and the walls came crashing down.

I understand that I have to be strong and not let my feelings for him cloud my mind. I stand to lose everything and get hurt. So I am taking the high road and slowly trying to back away from my own selfish needs. It is not that easy though. #1 Crush is back from his weeks-of-silence. And there's that one particular day looming in the distance...

Tell me what would you do if I
Left on this train tomorrow
Would you chase that train down
To the end of the platform?
And would you leave your love there
For me to return to?
Cause you know Ill be back real soon
And you should know Id do the same for you

I know I just met you
But I’ll never forget you
Because

Your Love is my Love
And your Pain is my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

I want to be with you
Hand in hand and face to face
Let’s find a way
Back to this place

Yesterday I found that letter that you wrote me
It was hiding in my coat
I mustve read it bout a hundred thousand times
Well we don’t know where we’re going
And we don’t know what’s in store
But, boy, I really love your kisses and I hope I get a hundred thousand more

I know I just met you
But I’ll never regret you
Because

Your Love is my Love
And your Pain is my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

You’re one in a million
But for now I’m gonna put this love away
In a space that we may find again one day

Your Love is forever my Love
And your Pain is forever my Pain
And your Sunshine is my Joy
And your Rain is my Rain

I want to be with you
Hand in hand and face to face
Oh, let's find a way
Back to this place

Marc Thomas - Your Love, My Love

All the Way

June’s quite a big month for me. My nephew was born in this month, and so was I.

But this year, it’s a bit special. This is my 6th month working at the company. One more month, and I’d officially last longer at one job than all other previous jobs. Except for my first job of course. I worked there for more than 2 years. Yup, I had been moving from one job to another ever since that first company shut down.

I had been told, unofficially, that I would be confirmed. Yay! The letter had been drawn up and everything. I have seen it with my own eyes. Unfortunately, we are changing management, and the GM refused to sign the letter and wanted the new management to issue the letter. Unfortunately, the new management wants to put it on hold. So much for the ‘yay’ eh?

But I was told that it’s not just me. Everybody else is in the same boat. Phew!

Anyways, I am taking some time off to go back to my hometown to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. Although it won’t be for too long because the universe will implode if I am in the same room with my mom for more than five minutes.

This month is also when I am testing #1 Crush. To see what the thing between us is… just friends or more or a thing of convenience…

Life Serial

The 28th had come and gone. No, we did not go out. He didn't contact me at all. I called him on Monday, asking if it was still on and he said it was.

Now that I had him on the line, I asked him why he was quiet for two weeks. Busy was the answer I got. He claimed to not have gotten my SMSes. Sigh.

He also said that he'd YM me the next day to discuss the details of the replacement birthday celebration dinner.

But of course, he never did contact me and we never did meet.

I've came up with a plan for me to back off whatever the thing is between us, at least for awhile. It seems like all the work came from me and not from him. Kinda like he is taking me for granted and that he doesn't really care.

Now I cannot know for sure what's going on inside his head but I figured it's best if we slowed things down. Maybe we've gotten too close. With the way things were going between us, it's not a bad idea. He's already not contacted me for a couple of weeks so I am used to being alone without him (in spirit anyways).

Just as I was braving the day implementing the new strategy, he YMed me. Even though I was offline. I was online but I was offline to him. So we chatted. No apologies for the silence. No apologies for the canceled date. Nothing. As expected of course.

What am I supposed to do now? As soon as I try to withdraw, he pull me back in...

I think I oughta stick with the plan. Backing off. A bit. Am not gonna pursue anymore. If he wants to meet up, he'll ask and we'll meet. If he wants to chat, he'll buzz me and we'll chat. Nothing more, nothing less. Am tired of being the only one who cares about this 'relationship'...

Flooded

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

After Life

It's been a week since I saw #1 Crush. A week since his birthday. Ever since then, I got busy with work. And apparently, he is also very busy.

We've not talked. We've not YMed. We've not SMSed. Nothing.

I got worried. Something might've happened to him. I sent him one message last week and another this week. Both went unanswered. More worrying occurred.

Then yesterday, I accidentally blocked him on YM, ya know, while doing spring cleaning. Yes, I spring-clean my YM every now and then. Too many people on the list but I am not chatting that often...

Anyways, I just wanted to put him as offline but accidentally blocked him and he went missing from my YM. So I added him back. There was a sign on next to him name saying connection pending approval or something like that. By afternoon, that message was gone. That would mean he had approved me.

That would also mean he was online, at work and alive and well. And that would also mean he is ignoring my SMSes. He was also not chatting with me by choice. He was there in front of the computer and he could approve my request but he had no time to tell me that he was alright and that he was busy? Hmmm...

Anyways, now I am thinking that it's possible that whatever it is that I had with him have ended. Sigh. If only he'd tell me what's up. That it's over. Or that he truly is busy. Or he could no longer be friends with me. I was worried until the whole 'approve' thingy. Thought he was in an accident or sick or something...

Whatever it is, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst. Dayyymmmnnn. This time last year, I broke up with The Ex. Same time, different guy. Only this time, I am truly, madly, deeply in love with the guy. Sigh. Why can't these people wait until after my birthday to break up with me? I've never celebrated my birthday with the guy I am in love with... sigh...

Bargaining Part 2

We did not go through with the original plan. Big celebratory dinner. Because both of us kinda broke. So he asked to reschedule it to pay day. Which would be in 16 days. 16 days would be too long and the last time I saw him was early April. I told him (and I was being bold with this) that I missed him and I wanna meet him still. Besides, I could give him his birthday present.

He said okay. We could meet up for a short while, for drinks. Yay! He did not say no. Yay again! Hehehehe.

So we met. He looked as ravishing as ever but he wore pants that kinda hide his nice tush. Dammit. We went to Carrefour and had drinks and talked. He said the weirdest thing to me... He asked me why I was so sexy... *blushes*

Then, Nelly Furtado came along and sang "Why do all good things come to an end?"

We parted ways. Yup, just a short meetup. I gave him his present. I was all nervous. He opened it and loved it! Yay! Phew! Then he asked when my birthday was. I am guessing that he wants to get me an awesome gift as well. Hehehehhe.

Before I got out of the car, I shook his hand and wished him happy birthday, then I got bold again and asked for a hug. I know, I know, I should have been spontaneous and just hugged him but we were both strapped in. Why the hell did I asked him that? Stupid me.

But he said that there were too many people around so we could not. He told me I could give him the hug later on when we met again for celebratory dinner. Yay!

Bargaining Part 1

#1 Crush's birthday is coming up. I've planned to have a celebratory dinner with him the night before his actual birthday. Ya know, so that if other people such as colleagues, family members or the boyfriend would wanna take him out to celebrate, they could. He'd be free to celebrate with them.

He has confirmed that the dinner is on. Yay! I am so happy. Unfortunately, his birthday came at such an unfortunate timing. I was told that some of the claims that was due to me is not actually claimable. Like the PWTC gig. 10 days worth of allowances gone down the drain, even though I already got some allowance from the parent company and also from the organisers. But when I asked my boss, she said I could still claim. Sigh.

So starting last week (and even the weekend), I am watching my spending and not going out as much so that I could go celebrate #1 Crush's birthday. Not that I wanna spend that much money, but at least a decent restaurant. It's not often I get to celebrate the birthday of someone I am in love with. Yes, that's right. Even after all these years, I've never been with anyone that long to celebrate a birthday or even an anniversary. Sigh.

I am still at a loss as to what to give #1 Crush for a birthday present. I am sure my undying love and loyalty doesn't count. Right? Hehehehe...

Yeah, even though he knows how I feel about him, it's kinda awkward to be saying it out loud.

I got him a DVD. Is that a good present? It's his favorite movie. Double Disc Special Edition Director's Cut. I actually had bought it a long time ago but when I bought it, I had #1 Crush in mind. And I think he's seen the DVD on my shelves whenever he came over. Is that tacky? Giving a present that's been bought a long time ago? Anyway, I am out of ideas so I am giving him that DVD and also perfume, But the perfume was something he had specifically asked me to get for him from the warehouse sale that I went to, so technically it could not be counted as a present.

I am so psyched!! Can't wait for Monday... I wanna hug him and kiss him... but I dunno if I would have the nerve to do so... maybe... I am so gonna need liquor... wish me luck! :)

By the way, tomorrow (11th) makes it exactly one year that I broke up with The Ex and one year that I have been single... Not too sure where he is or what he is doing... but I hope he's happy... okay, I don't, sue me... I hope he rot in purgatory but happily rotting in purgatory... hehehehe...